Wild Thing

(My dear friend Amy bought Noah this doll, so that he would always remember and know his older sibling).

This Wednesday it will be a year since we found out our little Wild Thing had passed.

As I reflect on the past year, I am able to see God working through all that happened. I have received countless emails and messages from friends and friends of friends and anonymous readers, thanking me for blogging about my miscarriage and all the messiness that went along with it, and sharing their story, because they too were experiencing a loss and the isolation and shame and fear that it brings. It is amazing how God is always able to take the horrific and traumatizing and sad and somehow bring abundant blessings and HOPE! If I was able to make the journey of miscarriage a little easier for even one woman or family, than my pain (and public dissection of it) was worth it. Looking back, I can also see now that the experience of my loss strengthened me for the pregnancy that was to come, a pregnancy that would take all of me (physically, emotionally and mentally) but that I knew through it all was worth it for Noah.

But that does not change that today and this week, as I am loving and adoring my second baby, I also am still grieving and missing my first.

Interesting week...

(Is my angel not GORGEOUS? I'll post more from his newborn shoot soon!)

We are doing fairly well over here. Noah has been on exclusive breast milk (mixture of bottle and nursing) since we got the okay to do so at 2 weeks (he is a big MOOSE, is what our lactation consultant says!) and I am proud that I worked so hard to get him off formula through pumping and sheer determination. Most preemies are still on a mixture until they reach term (because of supply issues with momma and latching issues with baby), which for him will be this Sunday. He still sleeps most of all day and all night and Jason and I have finally figured out a schedule that works for us most of the time (shifts during the night so we each get a chunk of sleep). In some ways, being forced on formula bottles has helped us in the long run, because he doesn't have nipple confusion and will take most anything you give him - breast, bottle or binky. He gets about two bottles of breast milk a day (3-4 oz a pop!) and the rest he is on the boob. Jason loves feeding him and it gives me a bit of a break, so for that I am thankful. He was 6 lb 10 oz at birth, 6 lbs 4 oz after we left the hospital, and on Monday he was up to 8 lbs. He will also sleep pretty much anywhere - I carry him in a wrap most of the day, so he sleeps on me, but he also switches between the family bed and co-sleeper just fine, as well as in our Rock 'N Play sleeper and swing. He is very flexible and easygoing (knock on wood) which I secretly think I deserve after my hellish pregnancy. I just stare at him and whisper, "I love you, Baby - you are the best thing that I have ever done." I repeat that to him all day, every day, so that he knows how cherished he is. It is shocking how one tiny little guy can so drastically change a person, and I seriously don't know what I did to deserve him.

That he, and every child, is a true miracle was brought home swiftly and strongly this week. One of my closest friends from college, indeed still one of my dearest friends, experienced a still birth this week. She is one of the strongest, most beautiful women I know, and her loss grieves and physically pains me. Baby William was due just a few weeks after Noah's original March 20th birthday. I cannot imagine the devastation her family is going through - to carry a child to term, to plan his room, organize his clothes, feel him kick and punch for months, see his tiny fists on the ultrasound screen, his heartbeat - my loss crushed me, and hers must be paralyzing. It is every mother's worst nightmare and a scenario I often envisioned during my long, isolating nights in the hospital. It is upsetting that I cannot fly up there to be with her as she plans the funeral and somehow has to continue caring for her toddler and make it through breathing and waking up and surviving each day. She is amazing though and so strong and 500 times the woman I am, so I try to let that comfort me as I pray for her and her family. I know that God is stronger than anything that can happen to us and somehow through his Mercy and Grace they will survive. Please pray for them, and sweet baby William, as they make it through these first weeks and months.

Surviving HOSPITAL bedrest

Here are some tips for surviving a long-term hospital stay while pregnant. Some of these are more general, some are very specific, but my learning curve is your gain! :

1. Make friends with the nurses. This is the single best thing you can do for yourself. You will see the doctor for a few minutes a day, but the nurses are the ones who will re-fill your water, answer your questions and come to love and know your baby. They'll get you special menus, run to buy you candy at night, teach you tricks to relieve your perpetual discomfort, and advocate for you with the docs. Plus, they are full of juicy gossip about labor and delivery. So don't annoy them.

2. Along those lines, each time you get a new nurse, jot down their name and a few tidbits that you learn about them and their family. I also include something special they did for me. I am doing this for two reasons - one, so I'll know who to write cards to once this is all over (and be able to thank them SPECIFICALLY), and two, so when visitors are here I can introduce my nurse to them along with a conversation starter. For example, when the nurse comes in, I say, "So and so, this is Nora - she has been a labor and delivery nurse for 35 years! You should HEAR her stories!" and then it starts an enjoyable chat for all :) This sounds sooo dweeby, but it really has helped me establish relationships with my nurses. Refer to point 1. The nurses ARE. YOUR. LIFE.

3. Send your husband home. I know. Super sad. The first night Jason left to sleep at home, I cried and cried, but in the end, it is better for him to get a good rest (and give the needy dogs some TLC) so he is ready for whatever the night or day holds. Especially if your baby could literally be born at any second. There needs to be at least one of you in tip top shape, and I am sayin', it will NOT be you.

4. Wear your own clothes. As soon as they let you, get out of that hospital gown. Since the items of clothes I can still fit is slowly dwindling, I send Jason home with the previous day's clothes each night for him to wash and bring back (for example, I send him home with Sunday's outfit on Monday night, which he brings back on Tuesday). I felt 100x better after getting out of that gown.

5. Ask to get out of a labor and delivery bed. If you are told you will be there more than one night, ask if they can get you a different bed. The L&D beds are narrow and hard. The regular beds are squishy and wide so you can cuddle with your hubby. Our hospital also has egg crate mattress covers that my nurse gave me. This made ALL. THE. DIFFERENCE and got rid of a significant amount of rib pain and back discomfort for me.

6. Get those night meds. I have mentioned my little BFF Ambien. Before I got pregnant, I was like, "I am not going to let coffee touch my lips, never will I take a bath, I'll live only on veggies and tofu and I will CERTAINLY not allow ANY medications to enter my TEMPLE of a body." Noah (well, his little uterine home) had other plans. I tried everything I could to avoid the few medications I am on, but at the end of the day (or after several weeks of trying alternatives), I was done with the agony. If you are laying around all day, you WILL NOT sleep at night. And as the nurses will tell you, you NEED to sleep while you can. For me, lack-of-sleep was contributing to my contractions so it was also a health issue. And you better not tell my baby he can't have chicken strips. That does NOT go over well.

7. So they have these monitoring bands which are made of cloth and elastic, sort of like the belly bands you wear with your jeans when you first start popping out of them, but looser. These are so much more comfortable for monitoring than the velcro straps and easier/quicker to get on and off. I love my special band. And Noah does, too. He used to throw huge fits and run from the monitor (we think the sensors were just pressing on him and annoying him) so what was supposed to take an quick hour would be two-three hours of chasing him around. That has not been a problem since I switched to the belly band. I am told some ladies prefer the straps, but you never know until you try it once or twice.

8. Don't be a hoarder. There are women here in really, really sucky situations. Some are here for months, some have no support from the daddy, some have serious financial stress, and some have to check out against medical advice for various reasons. At the end of the day, bed rest in the hospital sucks for everyone. If people bring me goodies or magazines or activity books, I use them for a while (eat my fair share) and then pass them on. The nurses will take them to someone who REALLY needs a pick-me-up :)

9. Get yourself a routine. Early on, I realized that I needed to figure out a schedule that worked for me. When you get a new nurse, they will ask you how you like to do things and what your preferences are, and it helps to be able to tell them. I get up, tidy up my room (so my Russian housekeeper will continue to repeat to me daily what a good wife I must be - so bizarre), shower, do my makeup in my bed using my special table, eat, and then get monitored. This works for me. I like to do all this as soon as I wake up, mostly because I am paranoid that I'll be have an emergency and be carted off to deliver without my life in order. I have other little routines for the day, but it gives me some sort of constant in a very weird situation.

10. Olive oil. The air here is super dry. Dry to the point that my regular face lotion (which I have used for years) was giving me a rash and I was getting dry patches all over my skin. My sister brought me olive oil and I rub it into my face after my shower each day. It has helped immensely. I (or Jason) also rubs coconut oil on my stomach a couple times a day, but for the face, just straight olive oil without scents or anything is best.

11. Bring a little stand up mirror (or have someone buy one for you). You will need this to do your makeup lying down in bed. Some people might not care, but I am not an invalid, and I don't want a reputation as the resident antepartum hag. And I hope it goes without saying, but shower. Each day.

12. Get a stuffed animal. My Uncle Gary brought me a stuffed hippo that I named Meatloaf (because I spilled meatloaf on him the night I got him). He is much easier than a regular sized pillow to maneuver behind my neck and back or wherever I need extra support. He has a nice pot belly and I pretend he is Maddie when I fall alseep.

13. Bring pictures of your dogs. Or kids. My dogs are my kids, so I have pictures of them and it really is a mood booster when I miss them so badly I think I will bust out of this joint AMA.

I think that is all. I have a few hospital drama stories and a few horrifying/hilarious labor and delivery stories from my nurses, so I'll try to get those out in the next few days.

Yeah, this isn't going to work

McSexy thought he had come up with a good plan. Yesterday wasn't a good day pain-wise, so I just went along with it apathetically. "Okay, dear..."

So he stayed at the hospital with me until 6 last night. He went home, walked and played with the recently dropped-off puppies and then got a huge coffee from Starbucks.

Then he stayed up all night long coding and doing work. He showered, walked the dogs again, and was back here by 8:00. Then promptly fell asleep.

So I am sitting here in the dark - can't talk on the phone, can't watch television and am trying to be quiet for him. And have no one to talk to because he is sleeping.

This is not going to work. I can't sit in the dark all day and all night and lose half of the distractions that make me sane.

So tonight he'll sleep like a normal person and go back to our original plan, which was to spend the morning at home working and being with the dogs, the afternoon here, and then go back in the evening again.

I think he is just paranoid if something happens and they have to deliver Noah while he is not here so he is trying to spend as many hours in the hospital as possible without having to be here during the night (because of the the puppies). Understandable. But the nurses have his cell and I am sure he could get here right AFTER Noah is born if not before or simultaneously. "After" does not make him happy, but what are you going to do? This is not an ideal situation for anyone...

The highlight of my day (probably my week!) so far was that one of my doctors said she is going to write an order for Duke and Maddie to come visit me! I am so, so happy. Maybe they can come tomorrow! They probably think I died, so I know they will be excited to see me. And Duke loves to tour buildings (besides doggie daycares) like Home Depot, the vet office, etc. so he will be very curious and excited! I'll try to take pictures!

So all I'll be missing is this little princess (unless they can write an order for a rat to come visit, or my parents can sneak her in, but I don't want to push my luck!)

Alice helping Daddy paint Noah's room a couple months ago. She was a big helper.

Back in the hospital...

For ALLLL ETERNITY. At least that is what it feels like!

So our last appointment on Thursday didn't go that well. My blood pressure was super high, I had swelling and my fluid had dropped significantly from our last ultrasound. Surprise! Plus I had bleeding the morning of. So now I am here until we deliver, which is in around 2 weeks, unless something bad happens. If anything else happens (his fluid drops lower, my contractions get worse, I start bleeding, my BP rises), they are not going to mess with it anymore and just deliver him.

If I thought bed rest at home was bad... They don't have DVR here.

In all honesty, it has gotten better since yesterday. They let me shower everyday now and I can wear my own clothes and I have a new bed (not labor and delivery bed - a nicer one, woot woot). I don't have to be on the monitor except for three hours a day, which is a huge relief because Noah is so active he tends to drop off all the time (as in every 10 minutes) and they have to re-adjust (which is a pain for them and for me!). And then I don't want to move because I don't want him to fall off again so I try not get up to go to the bathroom... Oy vey. We love all the nurses here, though, and they are all very sweet and accommodating. They like me because I watch the Today show and they like to come in and watch it, too.

So the good news is that Noah is happy as a clam and very wild and active. He was being OUT.OF.CONTROL last night and seriously driving everyone crazy since we were on the monitor, so Jason rubbed him and he finally calmed down. Good to know SOMEONE can put him to sleep!

The problem just seems to be perpetually with me and my body, but as long as he is healthy and doing well, that is fine.

We are trying to find a routine that works for us. So far McSexy has been staying here with me every night and just going home for a few hours to do laundry, clean the house and work for a bit but I am not really sure that that is sustainable for him. Right now we are thinking he might just stay at home starting Sunday night - get up and walk the pups each morning, work a bit and then come here in the evenings and head back home to sleep with the puppies. The nights are the worst for me because I've already used up most of my stay-sane options (reading, movie, internet) during the day and I also seem to be in more pain at night so we'll see how the new routine works on Monday. But once they bring my sweet, sweet Ambien I sleep super well so there are just a few hours where it gets really tough.

I have been holding it together. Thursday morning when we arrived was hard because I realized that I am going to potentially go weeks without my doggies or my ratty girl, and I didn't even say a proper goodbye or give them a good cuddle before we headed to our appointment because we had no idea we'd be stuck here. My parents have my elderly little Alice, which is good, and Aja has been watching the doggies again. Duke is adjusting fine because the other day he gave Aja a good ole hump-a-roo as she tried to do laundry. He only does that when he wants to be walked and usually only to us, so obviously he feels right at home demanding things from her. And Madison is always flexible and easy-going (except she wakes up at 5:30 and the Appel's are NOT morning people!)

So, things could be worse. I am fine, Noah is fabulous, we are slowly getting into more of a routine, etc. All I can say is that he better be the easiest baby in the world when he comes out! And here is what he looks like:


Except this is me. But he is starting to look more like me now, instead of like his dadda. So this is a preview for y'all. Just AhhhDORABLE, right?

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Ex. 14:14

Talked off the ledge...

I have realized more fully in recent weeks that the saying about God never giving a person more than they can handle is probably NOT true, akkkktually. I do believe that much of what has happened this past year, or is happening now, was/is more than I personally can manage. My body is tired, my mind is struggling and anxious, I am in constant pain. Me, weak as I am, cannot handle the remainder of this bed rest or this pregnancy in my own strength. So this IS more than I alone can handle, too heavy a cross for me to bear.

What I do believe, however, is that God does not give His people more than HE can handle, and He can handle all this nonsense with His little pinky toe. And He showed this to me today when he heard my calling and my distress and sent me a little email through my college friend Devon (who also had a pregnancy-from-hell and a c-section) that helped to assuage my fears and strengthen in me a spirit of resolve. Through her, my burden was slightly lifted and I am feeling much better about bed rest and delivery. Thank you, Devon :)

So alone, I am nothing, but yoked to Jesus and supported by those who listen to and love Him (and a little pill called ambien), I can get through this :)

Still trucking along...

Even though I am on bed rest, I am not motivated to blog. Mostly because I don't really do or think of anything interesting anymore (or at least anything I am willing to share, which says a lot, because in the past I've blogged about so much of my thinking...) Mostly I switch between the television, the internet and reading. I'll take a nap, I'll play with Alice, take a bath or two, stare at the dogs, etc. The only update is that I am starting to get very, very anxious and paranoid about the c-section and cry about it most every night (poor McSexy) in addition to being highly irritable about everything. I've had abdominal surgery before with my appendectomy and it was not cool - certainly nothing I would CHOOSE to do. I can't imagine having to take care of Noah while trying to recover from surgery and I am afraid it is going to affect my breastfeeding and bonding. For someone who did so much research on vaginal birth (I mean book after book, video after video, website after website), it IS disappointing that I am not even going to be able to TRY to birth naturally, especially since it turns out that I handle contractions pretty well so far (from what the nurses have told me). This pregnancy has been so hard and debilitating that I just want it all to be over and to be recovered as soon as possible so that I can feel finally better and get back to my typical activities (obviously with the addition of a baby), including the gym, walking the dogs, going out with friends, cleaning, baking... but a c-section makes recovery so much longer. I just want it all to be over.

Well, that was interesting...

Well, we just got out of the hospital and I am so, so glad to be home with NO BABY! We had a rough couple days and night, but thanks to excellent care and a finally chilled-out uterus and baby, I am back with my puppies and McSexy.

At 9:30 yesterday morning, I went upstairs for my regular bath time and low and behold was bleeding! That was a bit of surprise, even though they have told us for months to expect it and I have tried to become mentally prepared. Yay. I called Jason freaking out, because we are sooo not ready for the hospital. I have been a slacker and have lists of what to pack, but nothing really together except for Noah's diaper bag, which is the VERY last bag we will need! He was leading a meeting but finally answered his phone and came home. I am so thankful that he works five minutes away from our house...

Anyway, we called our perinatologist and went to his office for an ultrasound and monitoring. We were there within 20 minutes. Noah looked great and is now 4 lbs, 9 oz (which is in the 68 percentile!). He was not as active as he has been, which didn't freak me out but I thought it was kind of interesting. He had a strong heartbeat, good fluid, all that.

So they put me on a contraction monitor and I was having them yet again. I felt mostly back labor, so it was hard for me to tell. I was uncomfortable, but that has sort of been the story of this pregnancy, especially having contractions off and on for a few weeks now.

To make a long story short, Dr. Watson transferred us to the hospital (which is across the street) with assurances that it would probably be only for a few hours. Okay, we can handle this, we were thinking. Bleeding had stopped and Dr. Watson assured us that even if they had to deliver, he would have 100% chance of survival and a 95% chance of not having any long-term complications. I really wasn't worried...

Hospital was a whole different story. We were still having contractions but naively thought they would end up resolving themselves and we could go home in a few hours. But all of a sudden, Noah's heartbeat dropped way below 100 (it had been 150-160 previously) and didn't resolve itself. Before I even knew what was happening I had four nurses and two doctors in my room freaking out, moving the monitor, grabbing the printouts, shoving an IV in (worst IV ever in the top of my right wrist - took three nurses), rolling me around and telling me that if his heart rate didn't come back up in a minute or two we would need to have an emergency c-section immediately. Ooookay. Let me tell you, I have never been as scared in MY LIFE as when I watched my baby's heart rate plummet and was instantly surrounded by medical personnel. The only thing I was thinking was, "GET HIM OUT. GET HIM OUT RIGHT NOW EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DELIVER HIM RIGHT HERE." So panicked. There was nothing Jason and I could do but watch and hope.

Finally his heart rate went above 100 again, praise the LORD, and kept dipping but would come back up again. So needless to say, we were admitted and were there all freaking night and today until 5:00 p.m. His heart rate had a few more issues and I continued to have contractions, but no more bleeding and during the night his heart rate went back up to normal and stayed there. He also "woke up" and became more active at around 8:00 in the evening. My contractions stopped this afternoon. Happy momma. We also got two rounds of steroid shots to mature his lungs in case of delivery in the next few weeks.

With all the panic and kind of traumatic experiences that went along with the past hours we also had some positive outcomes of our little adventure.

1. We loved the nurses at our hospital. They were wonderful, reassuring, calm and we just adored them. I am so glad we are delivering at St. V's. Especially my day nurse, Peggy. I absolutely love her and we totally hit it off. I am praying she is our nurse when Noah is born! God bless nurses, seriously. They are amazing.

2. We met a few more doctors who were part of Dr. Watson's perinatal practice and really liked all of them. If Noah reaches his scheduled c-section date we will have Dr. Watson deliver him, but if it turns out to be an emergency delivery, we are very comfortable with any of the doctors we have met so far. I swear that this practice must have had "super super nice around paranoid pregnant women" as a requirement for joining.

3. We were kind of able to practice our delivery game plan and find out holes and flaws BEFORE it is actual go time and we are stuck in the hospital for ages. My friend Aja and her husband watched the dogs, as planned, but I realized that I need to make more detailed lists for them (mostly about Duke's medications he is on), and list out where exactly to find their beds, leashes etc. It worked out because Jason ran home to get some stuff for us for the night and was able to drop them off with their gear. We are lucky to have such good friends who will watch our precious babies within a moment's notice!

4. As mentioned before, I got a swift kick in the rear as to what I still need to buy/prepare for the hospital stay. I am on much stricter restrictions now (complete bed rest with showers but no longer allowed to putter around the house or go on walks or anything), so I am not sure how it is going to get done, but at least I know of some much needed toiletries/clothes/accessories that I had totally overlooked but would make a hospital stay much more pleasant. So my goal is to get my toiletry bag ready and packed in the next few days so I am ready, and whatever I can of my clothes bag, because obviously we could be back in the hospital at any time. I also need to update my little lists for Jason.

5. We also became aware that there were some birth plan holes that we need to get moving on. We are slowly realizing that we have little to no control over how things play out, but we were asked a bunch of questions about our preferences that we haven't yet solidified (SHOCKING, I know). Like about circumcision. We have done research but still can't decide. What do you guys think/how did you decide?

6. We were reminded again how blessed we are that Jason works for a company that is so flexible and understanding. He has amazing co-workers that stepped up instantly (as they have done in the past as well) and spent the whole day emailing him, not about work, but about me and the baby. I can't believe how we both ended up working for companies/schools that really practice what they preach about families and supporting their employees. He is able to take off work with me tomorrow and Friday (so he'll end up being gone the whole week pretty much), which doesn't affect his paternity leave in any way. So, support Intel and buy their products!

7. Amazing insurance. I cannot imagine having to worry about how to pay for all that monitoring and tests and such ON TOP of worrying about Noah. This type of pregnancy would absolutely SINK a family without insurance. I just feel so awful for those without means to pay for proper medical care, but I am so thankful that we do.

So now we are back to waiting, which is fine by me. We are praying that nothing more threatening happens in the next few weeks and Noah can grow a bit longer. I am somewhat comforted in knowing that we have the lung steroids now, which should help immensely. Praying that he stays in there as long as possible. I'll keep y'all updated!

My uterus is pissed off...

Well, that's not QUITE how they put it at labor and delivery last night but that basically sums it up.

I started having contractions at 1:00 yesterday afternoon. I didn't think much of them, because they had happened randomly in the past couple weeks and stopped when I drank a ton of water, took a hot bath or lied down in bed. We told our perinatologist (Dr. Watson, whom we lurrrrve) about them, and he said to expect them to a certain point because of my previa and that he wasn't worried unless they got pretty strong or constant or weren't relieved my any of my contraction solutions.

Let me backtrack, because I realized I haven't updated in awhile and I am getting ahead of myself, which is typical and how my brain works... I am now 28 weeks along. At our last week's ultrasound, Noah weighed 2 lbs, 11 oz (which is big for his age, yippee!) and looked awesome. Every time he gets an ultrasound or doppler, they always comment on how overly active he is. Part of it is that he cannot stand any type of monitoring at all and follows around the probes kicking/punching them as hard as he can. Seriously annoyed. So he looks good, but my previa hadn't moved at all. Still smack dab over my cervix, basically centered. Super awesome. So we were given a bunch of different scenarios and here's how they go:

1. I am now on bed rest. I can go out to dinner or to a movie, though, and can shower and feed myself from the fridge, which is nice. No working, which is a WHOLE 'nother can of worms. The point of bed rest is to minimize the weight of Noah on my placenta/cervix so that I can hopefully last longer without a major bleed.

2. Starting now, I can expect a bleed at any time. It will happen because of Noah's weight on my cervix and as the cervix softens. The farther along I am, the more likely I'll bleed. It could be where it starts light and buys me time to get to the hospital, or, more likely, where it just starts gushing like a fire hose. Awesome. I think McSexy almost passed out over that description. We are hoping for the slow trickle where we have time to drive 15 minutes to the ER without getting our new car (PILOT peeps, super happy) completely bloody. We'll see.

3. If the bleeding starts, they'll try to stop it and if successful, keep me at the hospital on bed rest as long as possible (until 1. I bleed again or 2. get an amnio and his lungs are strong enough for delivery). If they can't stop it, they'll deliver him right away, no matter how far along we are. Boo. Too leeetle.

4. If I make it to 33 weeks (Jan 30th), I get another ultrasound to see what is happening, his position, etc. If things look good, I'll get an amnio and deliver soon after that, around 34 weeks.

5. Best case scenario and one we want specific prayers for: no bleeding, and then amnio w/ good result and delivery at 35 weeks. They won't let me go beyond that because then you are basically asking for hemorrhaging and an emergency section, which would really suck.

So, that is the situation. Alot of scenarios, and difficult for me to deal with, because I am a planner and hate not having a sure timeline, but there's literally nothing we can do....

So anyway, back to yesterday. Jason is out buying me a new car at a dealership about 30 minutes to an hour away depending on traffic. I start having contractions, and proceed with all of my usual tricks - bathing, drinking water, lying down, etc. But these feel a bit different than before because even when I am not contracting, my lower back is KIIIIIILLLLLIIIIINNNNNGGGG me. Like a achey muscle at best, being stabbed with an ice pick at worse and there is constant dull pain punctuated by the sharp pain of the contractions. We were babysitting Boo Boo, and he and Madison were standing over me - she licking and pacing, him howling right in my face. It was lovely. They were freaked out (don't ask about Duke - he was sleeping in a little egocentric ball). When I moved to the tub, Madison literally would not leave my side. She stood by the bathtub staring at me. But I kept thinking - oh, they'll go away in a bit, lalalalalala. I'm a moron.

Well, actually, they did subside for a little bit. "Take that beetches!" was what I was thinking. Sort of in the middle of this, Jason and his dad drove the car he wanted to buy out to me to inspect, and I was having contractions the whole time. My commentary on the car went like this, "The exterior is really great, I would say excellent condition.... OH MY F-ING GOD I AM GOING TO DIE whooo whoo whoooo... But I wouldn't rate the leather as "excellent" condition and they need to fix the vents so you need to talk them down... THIS SUCKS THIS IS NOT NORMAL I AM GOING TO DIE!" I would say gold star for me for checking out the car during those episodes. Jason was SLIGHTLY freaked out, but I was OH SO SURE they would be subsiding soon that I sent him on his way to put an offer on the car and so on and so forth, with my friend Becky on call in case something happened.

They did go away for an hour, like I said, and I thought I had one upped them. The problem was when they came back. By the time I realized that they were happening closer and closer together, I called Jason to see where he was on the drive home and he hadn't even left the dealership. WTF?!!! He dumped the paperwork there and left right away but by then I was crying in pain. I tried the bath again, no avail. Jason called me back to say that he had called my friend Amy's husband to come get me and take me to the hospital because he was super stuck in traffic. CJ came within a few minutes and Jason met us at the hospital. Thank God for CJ, but now I think he's never going to let Amy have a baby. Sorry, friend.

So, I'll hurry up now because this is a boring story anyway. We were whisked away to labor and delivery (a small perk of a high risk pregnancy - no time in the ER). I WAS having contractions, which at least I was right about that. Being the first time I've had them, I wasn't sure, ya know? My uterus was super "irritated" and showing constant little tiny motions between the larger peaks, so that is why the pain was pretty much constant with not much relief. Noah was kicking away and letting everyone know he was NOT pleased with the monitors, but the nurses were thrilled by him, so he really got the opposite reaction that he wanted. (Sidenote: my nurses were INCREDIBLE! Explained everything, were so, so nice, waited on us hand and foot, gave us a ton of good advice and info about previa. Oh, I loved them so. So glad we will be there for delivery!) Anyway, they got a hold of my doctor, who basically said there is nothing they can do other than wait for a bleed. I guess that uteruses don't approve of previa and express that by contracting and causing lots of trouble so I'll just continue to have these episodes up until delivery. They could have given me meds to stop the contractions, but we didn't want to do that if possible. They couldn't check my cervix because that is a big no no with previa, so everyone basically just flies blind until the bleeding starts, which they didn't think was going to happen unless I kept contracting like that for another day or so.

So we went home. Jason got me McDonalds and I spilled my fries all over the car and then I cried. BUT this morning the contractions had stopped so I am laying here, still as ice, praying that they never come back.



The end.

Awkward is putting it lightly...

So we are not doing pregnancy photos. I thought that I might want to, but at this point I am just trying to make it through this pregnancy without consuming to constant exhaustion/pain and with a healthy, relatively normal sized baby. Both are taking all my energy. This has also been a very nerve-wracking, stressful experience for me and while I REALLY want my baby, I don't exactly want to remember the pregnancy. Plus I feel fat. Plus I am too lazy. My brother-in-law suggested family photos and I about hit the roof. McSexy hurriedly squelched the proposal while I screeched in the background (while I stomped my feet - not my finest moment), "HE HAS GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME WHY THE #$%^ WOULD HE PICK THE FATTEST TIME OF MY LIFE TO DO PHOTOS WHEN I AM PALE AND LOOK LIKE A HAG AND BARELY SHOWER AND CAN'T STAND FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES WITHOUT THROBBING THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU BETTER PUT AN END TO THAT IDEA I AM HAVING ENOUGH OF A PROBLEM INCUBATING THIS BABY! $%#^ NO!" And then I started crying. Luckily, my mother-in-law backed me up and was just as horrified - "Leave Katie alone!" were her exact words. There was no way. So, I don't really feel like doing pregnancy photos, but I wish I did. Please don't hate me, Noah. I really love you, just not the process of getting you!

BUT, I am able to appreciate the beautiful pregnancy photos that others do, including these gems...


Enjoy.

Giving Thanks

From the worst blogger on the planet. I suck at life. This is why.


Well, school has been busy (with 14 boys, ya know!). Pregnancy has been brutal (finally felt better two weeks ago at 21 weeks!). We have been especially busy preparing for Noah, and have some new updates (which I am trying to view positively - see below!), but I thought I would take the time to participate in the 25 Things I Am Thankful For list that is so popular. Technically you are supposed to list one per day for the whole month of November until Thanksgiving, but I am a slacker. So here goes.

1. I am thankful for my McSexy, who gave me this cute little baby boy and without whom, I never would have survived this pregnancy (or the last one). Or at least I would not have eaten, showered, cleaned house, walked the dogs, etc. for the last five plus months. He is a saint. Say-aint. Saint.

2. I am thankful for my cute little Noah who looks just like daddy. I am thankful that he is finally tolerating vegetables, kicks me regularly every night and that he has continued to grow and fight. Thank you, Baby.

3. I am thankful for the medical advances that caught my complete placenta previa BEFORE labor (which would not have been good, no no). Even though my condition has actually worsened, I am thankful that we have c-sections to get my little man out safely, thankful for specialists that know how to recognize and treat my complications, thankful for the NICU where Noah will likely spend his first few weeks. Without modern medicine, Noah and I would both be dead by March. So, I am thankful.

4. Even though no one wants a preemie and I am hoping he stays in until 34 weeks (when they drag his poor, unprepared body out, waaaaaa), I am thankful that I at least get to meet Noah earlier than expected. Would I prefer he stay in there to term? Yes. But trying to find the positive, people!

5. I am thankful for amazing insurance that has covered and will cover all of our medical expenses. I pray for those that face health complications with poor or no insurance. You can see how it can absolutely destroy people.

6. I am thankful for my job, which has been nothing but accommodating, flexible, understanding and comfortable with ambiguity throughout my whole pregnancy. I am lucky to work in a school that believes so strongly in children and families that they actually adhere to their convictions in their employment policies, regardless of what it means for them financially or otherwise. I am thankful to work in a place of integrity.

7. I am thankful for my munchkins and parents, who are so supportive each and every day. My kiddos LOVE Noah (write him love notes, sing to him, read to him, fiercely protect him) and my parents rush to help me out in any way they can. I am thankful to be part of such a wonderful community. And my kids are hilarious. Seriously. What kids think about how my pregnant belly is going to get so big that it curls around itself? And ponder how will I be able to run with a curly belly. Seriously.

8. I am thankful for my friends and family who are already planning (or changing their plans!) to help me out during my impending bed rest at 27 weeks! We have been offered meals, house cleaning, visits, books, etc. It makes things less overwhelming knowing we have so much help if we need it!

9. I am thankful that MS and I both have good, stable jobs, especially in this time of unemployment and financial upheaval. Thank you, GOD!

10. I am thankful for a warm house and good food. So many do not have either of these things, and I think we take them for granted much of the time. I do anyway. Especially now that it is snowing outside and I am particularly hungry (ALL. THE. TIME), I am thankful for shelter and meals.

11. I am thankful for my education that has allowed me to be in a career that I think will make me that much better of a mother. My degrees are in little people. It has to help, right?

12. I am thankful to have a husband that has a similar parenting philosophy as I. I am thankful that he is interested in birth, and attachment, and breastfeeding and freely reads these books to be better prepared for our baby. I am glad that he will be there to advocate for Noah and what we feel is right even if I am slightly incapacitated at first. Noah, you are a lucky little man!

13. I am thankful for my puppies, who are angels and precious and the biggest cuddle bugs in the whole wide world. Thank you, God, for sending me these particular dogs, who are a perfect fit for Jason and I and who we love so deeply. They make our lives more entertaining and lovely each and every day. Wuv my widdle doggies.

14. And my ratty girl. Who is highly entertaining and eternally patient as her life is threatened daily by 20 kinders. Best. Rat. Ever.

OMG, HOW MANY MORE????? Snap. Ok, we are going to get quick and random and trivial.

15. Thankful for Eggnog Lattes. Yes I am. And the money to buy them.

16. Thankful for snow. And snow-days, which I know we are going to have tomorrow. RIGHT? RIGHT? For all that is holy, please! Teachers everywhere are on their knees BEGGING!

17. Ugg boots. And for places in New Jersey that clean your brand-new, muddy Ugg boots when a certain Malamute puppy jumps on them. I love you, place in New Jersey.

18. Pumpkin candles.

19. My church, which inspires me with its commitment to community, Biblical scholarship, service, the environment and social justice. Gooooooo MOTA! Sorry you are 19th, meant for you to be earlier but I forgot. Lame.

20. Books. Teaching books, birthing/breastfeeding books, novels. Excellent children's books that inspire my kids to read over and over and over. I'll also throw libraries in there. Teachers would die without libraries. And inter-library loan. And holds. I love me some books.

21. Hiking, camping, swimming, etc. And for living in Oregon, where it is the best place to do these things.

22. Cloth diapers. Best thing to happen to the environment since organic. And I am so thrilled that they are so freaking cute and just as easy to do as 'sposies. Makes me not so guilty of a momma.

23. Hulu.

24. The holidays and holiday breaks. Perk of being in the lowest paid profession that requires a Master degree. So don't be messin' with our breaks. You can't afford what we are truly worth!

25. Am I done? My 25th is - I am thankful this list is done. I like being grateful and all, but my ribs hurt. And my kids are putting on the play-from-hell tomorrow complete with sewn costumes and masks, yet they can't seem to face the audience nor stop themselves from running into each other. Wish us luck.

Quick Update

I may seem like a total blog slacker, but I did do a post which I can't seem to finish because it has a video of my cute kiddos and stupid Blogger won't upload it. So I did write, you guys just haven't see it. So there.

Here is some random updates from the home front:

1. I am finally feeling better! YAY! I figured out that I need to eat by 6:30 each morning or there is big, big trouble. Now that I figured that out, my weekends have been more productive (I was throwing up all Saturday and Sundays - it was tons of fun). My back is still causing be trouble, but I have my man slave to help with that, and I still hate me some vegetables.

2. I bought a doppler. Or rather I am renting one. Best $20/month I have ever spent. I was really feeling stressed (and that's not good for the baby AT ALL) about Nugget's health so I bought one and the first time we heard that sweet sound it was amazing. Alleviated all my fears. I don't use it every day, actually I've used it only once since getting it last week, but for someone who has had a miscarriage, you KNOW the worst can happen and anything I can do for myself to enjoy this pregnancy I will do.

3. We were eating out almost every night because I don't have the energy to cook after work nor does anything really ever sound great to me. So one of us would just pick up food on the way home depending on what I wanted to eat that very minute. Not good on the wallet. So we've started doing Dinner's Ready which is so simple, healthy and tastes amazing.

4. Nesting began last weekend. Our house was a disaster so I scrubbed from top to bottom after church. First time I felt the energy to do so and now little things out of place or disorganized are driving me insane. We've started the nursery so that is helping but man, man slave better get used to cleaning and fixing and de-cluttering!

4. For our four year wedding anniversary, Jason bought me/us a 3D/4D ultrasound that I enjoyed last Saturday. It was to check on Nugget's health as well as the sex. Well, we found out and we are having a very hyper, very cute little BOY!!! We've named him Noah Jackson and we are absolutely obsessed. I have pictures of our rejoice-0ver-a-penis party but no time to upload so I will someday. Here is a bad picture my dad took on his iPhone.


Knowing and seeing him move and suck his thumb and yawn and mess with his little wienie has helped my bonding so much. I really was not bonded at all with him, I must admit, because I was so terrified of losing him. But now I am so in love - he is the cutest baby I have ever seen! It totally transformed McSexy as well, because he really for the first time understood that there was a HUMAN inside of me. HIS human. HIS baby. That night after the ultrasound and our penis party, he said, "This was the best day of my life!" He also said (write this down hubbands!), "I am more in love with you than I have ever been. You are absolutely amazing for growing Noah. It is a miracle." He rubs and kisses Noah all the time and went crazy clothes shopping! Plus, he realized with all that kicking that the little guy was doing that I really was in pain! The tech said he was super hyperactive! Lol.

We are very excited, albeit still non-stop busy, and so thrilled. It sometimes seems that this is really going to happen for me now :)

How am I ever going to breastfeed...

...when just a towel brushing my nipples makes me double over?? Just sayin'. I've always been a huge proponent of breastfeeding (big boo formula (unless there is a medical reason - I'm not a total idiot, people)) but holy moley, if my boobs keep getting bigger and sorer, there is no way that baby is getting anywhere near them. Not going to rest his little Nuggety head on them and CERTAINLY not going to put those little wolverine lips around them.

Will they pop if they get any bigger? I am seriously worried about this! Anytime I take my bra off at night I start moaning and sucking in air like I've stubbed my toe. For those of you who have been lucky (or unlucky) enough to see them in real life (Amy, Becky), you know what I mean. It is getting to the point where my bra plus shirts do nothing to hide my cleavage. I am going to need to take a shopping trip soon (if I ever feel good enough or energetic enough or have any time with school starting TOMORROW AHHHH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS SCHOOL ALREADY I AM NOT READY HELP ME!!!) Oooooops. Did that slip out?

I also need more pants or at least a belly band. I have started (yes, at 12 weeks) to need to use a hair thingy to wrap around my pant button. My shirts will last a while yet.

I also must be feeling bad about getting fatter, because I keep having these dreams about McSexy either cheating on me or all of a sudden confessing to all these random liaisons before our romance began almost 8 years ago. If you know my hubband AT ALL, you know that 1) he is probably the last man in the world who would ever cheat and 2) he was a total prude and definitely didn't have anything resembling a sexual fling with anyone before he met me. Actually, you might say he was clueless as to any "thing" any girl had for him and I basically had to hit him over the head with a baseball bat to get him to realize I liked him. So, anyway, I wake up most mornings in a panic...aaaaand then turn over and whisper threats into his ear as to what exactly I will do if I ever hear of any wandering ways. Brahahahahaha.

BUT. I love my baby and Nugget is worth it. Just sayin'.

Just like daddy

We had our ultrasound. My friend Aja went with me since McSexy is gone. Nugget is ginormous! Here is his first photo:


He is measuring perfectly at 8 weeks 4 days so the due date is the same (March 21st). His heart rate was 174. He is facing down so that big blob you see at the bottom is his big round head! He looks JUST LIKE DADDY! hahahahaha. He has a big potbelly, was moving around (especially when we were talking about mashed potatoes), and moved his little nublet of a leg. He is a dancer, just like Daddy!

Very happy and my fears are abated :) And now I am feeling sick again. Which is very good. I think Nugget was just being a troublemaker and wanted some extra TLC and to show off how cute he is already. I gave him a firm lecture about never doing that again and then rewarded him for his growth by feeding him Burgerville.

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts :)

Slight panic

So, remember how I was feeling super crappy? Starting yesterday, I really started feeling better. Very little nausea though last night my boobs still looked ginormous. Haven't checked this morning.

Boo for me.

I am panicking. With Wild Thing I had such a drastic loss of symptoms - I am worried that this is the case with Nugget, too, and indicates that he died in there.

Should I call the doctor? Jason has been back at OSU this whole week and won't be home until tonight so I am scared to go get an ultrasound by myself. But I am also scared to not get an ultrasound.

I keep trying to calm myself down - remember that God is in charge, there is little we can do that we haven't already done, and if he has flown to heaven, then what else is there? It took me longer than with Wild Thing, but after the ultrasound heartbeat I've really started to bond with Nugget. I love him. I would be devastated if he didn't make it. It seems like a cruel joke to give us the joy of a heartbeat and a much lower risk of miscarriage and then take it all away. I already have my nursery curtains and the whole nursery idea board. I have my Babys R Us and Wishpot registry.

I don't think I psychologically/emotionally make it another two weeks to see Dr. Farley and hear Nugget's heartbeat.

If I hadn't lost Wild Thing, then I don't think I would be freaking out like this. I feel damaged and like this pregnancy is almost tainted by my miscarriage. I can't even begin to allow myself to feel the pure joy that a first healthy pregnancy brings because I am afraid that it will be taken all away.

I know I am not supposed to live with a spirit of fear, and I have been fighting it, but I am really anxious right now.

What should I do?

Some solutions

Thanks, peeps, for all your awesome suggestions to my little nausea problem. I have found what works for me, I think. This is going to be a boring post, BTW, but I thought I would just share what I have found helps me in case it can save anyone else.

1. Sea bands. These have actually really, really helped. I look like an '80s jazzerciser but, I'll take one for the team. My team. Because I am the only one on this team. No one else cares.

'Cept my bands are black. And this isn't from the '80s. That there is Heidi of (no longer) Speidi, one of the saddest excuses for a human that ever existed. Thought we could all have a good laugh at her expense. Now that Heidi and Spencer are no more, who is going to make us feel better about ourselves?

2. Wake up early, 'cause I have until 11:30 to get stuff done. At 11:30, it is all downhill. We'll see how my 12:00 yoga goes today (wish me luck).


3. No more McDoubles or Nuggets. Or mac and cheese. Or Taco Bell. Boo. If I stick to a diet of toast, peanut butter, fruit and plain greek yogurt, it seems to really help. I even managed a glass of low-sodium V8 yesterday. Yay me.

4. Stay far, far away from restaurants. McSexy is devastated that Mexican food is turning my stomach, because it is our go to indulgence, but truly, the thought of most restaurants (Mexican or otherwise) totally repulse me. Okay, can't even type about it more, because I might go puke.

5. Exercise. It seems counter-intuitive, but walking the dogs and walking the loop at the dog park helps so, so much. It helps relax me, the sun feels wonderful and the fresh air is a natural cure-all. The dogs are exhausted from all the exercise, which is another amazing perk.

6. Water, water, water. My friend Laura keeps emphasizing this to me, and it is so true, I am so freaking thirsty and drink all the time. And pee all the time. The ginger ale and pomegranate Izzes worked for a day or so, but now the carbonation is upsetting my stomach. So back to water.

Okay, peeps, ta ta for now! Remember, I have until 11:30 to get stuff done!

We are renaming the baby.

He is no longer baby Nugget. He is baby McDouble.

Because McDoubles are CRACK COCAINE. I can't help myself from moaning when I eat them. I snuck one into the movie theater and as my eyes rolled back in my head as I ate it, our friend Rey looked at McSexy like, "Holy shit." M.S. just shrugged, like, "What can you do?" Was I embarrassed? No, I was HAPPY. Then I pulled from my purse my smoothie and my fries, which also made me happy and McSexy MORTIFIED.

Besides my obsession with McDoubles, the last week has been super rough in terms of feeling like a truck hit me. I am not at all complaining, because morning/all day sickness reassures Nugget is growing and that I am still pregnant, but I am really starting to get down on my sick stomach. I don't have the extreme food aversions that I had with Wild Thing, but I cannot fathom eating vegetables. Luckily I can eat fruit (peach applesauce so good yum yum yum), but also depend on alot of plain carbs (toast, french fries, baguettes, tortillas, plain pasta, etc.).

I am trying all the regular remedies - eating crackers (especially in the middle of the night and when I wake up), REAL ginger ale, and even preggie pops, which actually helped alot and helped me make it through a wedding yesterday and actually enjoy myself.

Is there anything else to try? I have two weeks off before we go back to get ready for next year and I am hoping to feel good enough to really get my teaching things organized, complete my errands that I never seem to get to when the school year starts and hit the gym regularly. I would like to stomach some healthier food because I feel so guilty stuffing Nugget/McDouble with well, Nuggets and McDoubles.

Help me.

Mini-Vacays Part 1 and How Pregnancy Changes Marriage

I've decided to break this post into 2 or more because I don't want to freak you guys out by how busy and awesome I am.

Our first big trip of the year was Memorial Day weekend camping with our good friends the Clevelands. We camped in Prineville and while the weather was iffy, the spot was GORGEOUS. I forgot my camera so here are some I hijacked some of Facebook. I can't find the best one of all the girls, so I'll just post what I have.

I would like y'all to notice Amy in the blue to the far right. She is dancing. All by herself. 'Nough said about what went on that night! I love this girl! Always entertaining!

Our gorgeous spot! We had 8 dogs on this trip so it was the perfect trip for me!

Our next trip was to Cannon Beach with our friends Eric, Aja and Bentley. The weather was beautiful, the food was amazing and the company perfect. The dogs are best friends, so it really was a blast to watch them run and play with eachother. I love the beach!

Poor Madison can't be off leash because she is a bird hunter and deaf. So daddy walks her back and forth while the big dogs run free. Sadness.

Happy dirty boy.

Boo Boo is a tired boy!

This is me. And my boobs - Trouble and Troublemaker. They are OUT. OF. CONTROL. And I wasn't even pregnant here.

Eric found an enclosed beach where Maddie could run off leash. Isn't she beautiful?

I am so glad my son-bear has the mental capacity to discover this buoy and entertain himself for hours. Isn't he so bright and intelligent? Most little son-bears don't have that sort of intelligence but he is GIFTED.

Take note of the way he uses his agile paws to manipulate the buoy. Gifted.

This was a very coveted, VERY valuable stick the boys found.

Looking at this picture, I realize that it is a MIRACLE that I ever got married. I'm sorry, that stick was just TOO exciting. I couldn't contain it.

I love my stick!

Boo is looking at me like I am a freak. But whenever Maddie is off leash, Daddy and I have to take turns chasing her up and down the beach to make sure she doesn't get away!

And that takes us through June at least. Are you overwhelmed by how exciting and cool my life is? I know.

In other news, morning/afternoon/evening sickness has begun to kick in full force. McSexy has been down at OSU the past week finishing up HIS LAST PRE-MED CLASS! Thank you, Lord, that it is almost all over with and we can start applying. But I have been a single mom to the babies, super sick/tired, and working full time. My house is a disaster, I haven't showered LITERALLY in four days (will you still be my friends?), all I eat is Taco Bell, the dogs are wild from half the walks, and I had to leave the last day of summer school early so I wouldn't have to puke in the disgusting preschool bathroom.

So I get this call earlier today from ManSlave.

M.S.: Um, honey? When is Karen's wedding tomorrow?
Me: 5:30 but we have to be there at 4:45 (so I can manage the guest book and kung foo anyone who tries to break in without scrawling a thoughtful note to my sweet friend Karen. Karen picked me and my friend Becky because we are especially loud and obnoxious and will get.that.job.done!).
M.S.: Okay, well, can I go play basketball with Ryan in the morning around 10???

Silence.

Me: ARE YOU FREAKING JOKING ME?
M.S.: Oh, okay, yea, okay, that's what I thought, nevermind then.
Me: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FREAKING JOKING ME!
M.S.: Oh, okay, honey, I'm coming home right home right now, sorry, honey.... Well, maybe we can work out together tomorrow then.

Silence.

M.S.: Okay then, well, I'll see you soon, honey. And what do you think about a beautiful new dress?

Put a fork in him. He is so done. Welcome to pregnancy, babe.