If you've never prayed for bodily secretions....

TODAY IS YOUR DAY!

Okay, so my acupuncturist encouraged me to read the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I really love this book and it is one thing that has made me feel more in charge (or at least knowledgeable) of what is happening to my body as we try yet again to get preggers this cycle.

I've known about alot of this stuff since my days at St. Mary's Academy. We got the full meal deal on reproduction and how NOT to get pregnant being as we were an all girls school and the Catholic stance is no birth control. No abstinence-only education for us, thank heavens. And yes, we learned about cervical mucus and how it looks when we are fertile or about to ovulate.

But it has been 9 years since my SMA days, and I must admit that some of that information was getting a little hazy, though it has never completely left my mind.

Anyway, this book (which I HIGHLY recommend) refreshed all that, and I have been charting my basal body temp, recording my cervical fluid and cervical position with diligence.

Today was my first day of FERTILE QUALITY CERVICAL FLUID! Lots and lots and lots of it! Yipee! So we need lots of prayers that I will actually ovulate in the next few days and that we will get pregnant with another wild little punk, m-kay?

In fact, I would like you all to carry this chant in your head all day, every day for the next few days. If you don't, I will know, because I won't get pregnant and I'll blame each one of you and stop blogging and then you'll be left with NOTHING. I also would like you to do some visualization of my little eggy being impregnated and burrowing in my uterus as you chant.

Praying you'll come down and that you'll stick
Because Katie needs to get pregnant super duper quick.

Thanks, y'all.

Wonderful Wife

Don't think I am a biatch for posting this, kay?

I often plead to my girlfriends to please let me know when I start to let myself go. I see many older women scrounging around with crazy hair and no make-up, screaming at their husbands, and while I don't judge because I don't know their circumstances, it does offer a little reminder to put at least five minutes into the way I look and act.

That being said - I love a good pair of sweatpants just like the next woman and have been known to be a scruff muffin when times get busy (aka. grad school). But here are some tips/rules that I fall back on when I find hair in a pony tail one too many times:

1. Ask him what he likes. People often say, "Dress for yourself! Why should you care what he likes?!" Well, because I am not the one looking at me! Sometimes, this doesn't work. My husband, while relatively fashion conscious for a man, will constantly tell me, "You look great!" when I know my back fat is draping out over my bra. Despite me screaming, "MY BACK FAT IS DRAPING OVER MY BRA! DON'T LIE, ITS RIGHT THERE! GRAB IT! SEE IT? SEE IT? SEE IT?" I know Jason isn't lying, he is just a boy, and really guys are just appreciative to be around women. Period. Same reason husbands never notice when you have a huge chunk of green vegetable between your front teeth. They aren't looking that closely!

2. Dress like a whore. My friends are thinking, "Katie, you are full of it. Your favorite shoes are Crocs. Whores don't wear rubber Mary Janes." Okay. I am a relatively conservative dresser, but when I know my husband is coming home or we go out to dinner, I puff up my boobies, spray some perfume and flaunt what I got (in my Crocs). I also try to invest in relatively nice underware (mostly Christmas and birthday gifts and still comfortable) so that when those pants come off, he is not looking at a pair of granny panties, even if I am just changing. And my friends know about the notorious little shorts (holdovers from college) that I wore in the pre-married days to try to seduce my husband out of his virginity (oh I know, I am totally bad - I do regret it now. Sort of. And no, it didn't work). After you are married a while, it will take more effort to try to look sexy, but I think you should (as if anyone has ever cared about my opinion).

3. It takes just as long to put on a pair of jeans as it does to put on a pair of sweatpants. I remember this when I am tempted. But it is also important to be comfortable, so investing (when I say investing, I mean go to Marshalls) in a comfortable pair of nice jeans is important so you not only look cute, but also appear cute!

4. Smell good. And smell different. I am a very olfactory type of girl. Jason's cologne mixed with his special hubband smell seriously makes my usually high blood pressure drop and helps me relax and comforted. Same as my dogs' feet (weird, I know) but I love the smell of their little foot pads. Again, makes me very happy and calm. I think about this alot. When people get married, they start using the same laundry detergent and bath wash and shampoo. I think that that might somehow make them start to smell similar, and that in turn, cuts down on how alluring they smell to their mate. So I try to keep different body wash, shampoo, lotion, etc. from Jason so that we don't smell like each other.


5. Put on a bit of makeup. Even if it is just mascara, blush and lipgloss. Wearing makeup is one way that women are different then men and one way we can continue to be fascinating to our husbands. If your husband wanted to marry someone who didn't wear makeup, he would have married (or been in a long term, committed relationship with) a guy! As I write this, we had this conversation:

Jason: What is that stuff on your face?
Me (offended): My blush! I wear it to look like an effervescent angel!
Jason: Oh god.

6. Put on a smile. A happy wife means happy life, and if you are frowny for your husband on a regular basis, he will have a sad life. It's true. It is okay to be honest and true with your emotions (as I was during my little gardening temper tantrum yesterday) but if you are constantly complaining or nagging him, you won't be attractive to him.

7. Ask how you can best serve him. Ask him what is the one thing you can do to make his day easier. For Jase, the way to his heart is through his stomach. He loves coming home to a good dinner and doesn't even care what it is. So I try my best to meal plan and whip up easy, healthy dinners to feed my man. I am in no way saying that you should wait wait on your husband. They have two feet and two hands. We all know that Jason is my manservant and I hardly lift a finger. One thing I do do: make dinner.

8. Never berate him in public. Well, you really shouldn't berate him at home either, but when speaking about your hubby to others, always build him up and talk about his positive qualities. Marry the right guy who you are obsessed with (like me), and this shouldn't be a problem.

9. Build your brain. Be smart and have interesting things to talk about (and no, what is going on in the blogosphere is not interesting). Read novels, but also read things that challenge you as a professional that you can talk about with your husband. Watch documentaries. Follow politics. If you stay at home, volunteer somewhere. Share your passion and your smarts with your hubby. My husband says the first thing he fell in love with was my brain (are you sure it wasn't those shorts?) Use it, or lose it.

10. Be fun and humorous. Just. Like. Me.


All this coming from a girl who went to sleep with rat nest hair, zit cream on her face and in pajamas featuring camping dogs. I'm classy.

Miscarriage Mondays

I have alot more to say about fertility and miscarriage and all that jazz. Much more. But it is hard to write about it, though I know that writing helps me process what has happened and is happening, as well as helps others who might be going through something similar. I also am starting to have other things I think about (yay! It can happen). As a result of this, I am going to start regulating fertility and miscarriage posts to Mondays, so that I feel free to blog a bit more about whatever is on my mind - without this pressure of trying to get all I think about this sucky fertility mess out in the open all at once. Also, taking my Lorazepam after I write is putting a damper on my days and Jason comes home wondering why the house is a disaster, the dogs are running wild, dinner isn't made and I am passed out at 5:30. hmmm...

This Miscarriage Monday post is about how to help when someone you care about miscarries.

I have posted before about statements made (really by well-meaning people) that really DID NOT help me survive the loss of Wild Thing. I realize that I have been focusing a lot on the pain and trauma of losing a baby (because really, most of the time, all you feel is pain and trauma), but I thought I might take a moment to offer up some ideas of things that helped Jason and I get through the past month or so. We have wonderful, thoughtful friends and family and I don't know how I could have survived without their prayers and support.

Here are what friends did that worked for us and our personal experience. These ideas might not work for everyone, because everyone is unique - as is each loss, so I'll accompany each example with a general guideline that can best help you decide how you can support and bless your friend:

1. Be specific and take action. Alot of people offered up the, "Is there anything I can do?" phrase with a true desire to help in any way. The problem was that we were so consumed with grief that we could barely get out of bed let alone reflect on what could help us or be bold enough to name it. I am the kind of person that does not like to ask for help in any way (outside of my poor manservant aka. husband) so I will generally just reply with, "No, thank you. Thanks for thinking of me, though" even though there is probably things that people could do and want to do for me. And the truth is, we didn't KNOW what could help us. Somehow, my friend Amy knew this. She texted me (because I WAS NOT taking calls) a day or so after Wild Thing died and said, "I am bringing you dinner." How could we refuse? There is no way that someone will resist the offer of food - if they don't eat it, fine, but at least it is there, and during a miscarriage (or any trauma), the likelihood is that the family is not eating well, if at all. Amy was specific and immediate in what she did for us. She brought us her famous spaghetti that night, along with green beans, bread, dessert and flowers. It was the first good meal I had eaten in a long time and it made me feel better. Amy didn't force me to talk (even though I did) but listened and said all the right things (some listed down below). Even more friends sent flowers, cards, and Facebook messages. My friend Aja and her husband walked the dogs for us. The point is - I could have never expressed that I needed help or what things would make me feel better. People were proactive and did what they could, while still respecting my privacy, and that made all the difference.

2. Take some time. My dear friend and teaching partner Aja (mom to Bentley and soon-to-be-born baby girl) must have developed some good calf and thigh muscle during the weeks following Wild Thing's death, because we did ALOT of walking. She took so much time with me (most every night) as we walked the dogs and talked about Wild Thing. She loved him as much as Jason and I did, as she knew his personality just as well (i.e. his affinity for mangoes, his 5:30 wake up time, his punky little attitude). It helped to have someone listen, and it made me feel supported and loved. Two of the main things that Aja and my other friends said that helped and validated my grieving process were:

• "You lost a baby." Wild Thing was not "fetal tissue" (urrrgg. makes me want to punch a WALL). He WAS our baby, and it helped to have people reinforce that so I felt comfortable expressing my loss. Grieving over "tissue" is craziness, grieving over a baby is expected and accepted.
  
• "You will miss him forever and will never be the same." This helped me feel like I didn't have a timeline on my grief. I think that after a few weeks of being a total nut case, you start to question how much patience people will have for you and for how long. Jason and my friends telling me this helped me settle in and accept the grieving process and let my emotions unfold in their own time.
  

3. Think outside the box. My sister is in law school and my mom was in the middle of tax season. They didn't really have time, and I was not in the place where I could really talk about it or wanted to see anyone anyway. To help, my sister scheduled me a cranial sacral massage - she found a massage therapist, contacted her, explained the situation, set up an appointment, paid and told me where to go. All I had to do is show up. My sister can be a biatch sometimes and most of the time it is a pain because she is so bossy, but at that moment, I needed someone to think of unique ways that might help me while still respecting my need to heal in my own private way (so no suggestions of group therapy sessions, etc.) And it was through this massage therapist that I found Dawn-Starr, my angel acupuncturist. Have I mentioned that I LURVE her?

4. Come out of the woodwork. My friend Laura sent me a Facebook message after Wild Thing's death that helped me so much. She told me what to expect during my miscarriage, and that took a bit of the fear away and helped me feel more in control of the situation. Other friends (including parents of my students and Jason's coworkers) came forward with their stories and support. I realized that women who have suffered a loss, sadly often silently and privately, are the ones who can best empower their hurting friend with information and emotional solidarity. Laura also sent me a care package with items that helped her during her losses including Hannah's Hope (a book about the Biblical character Hannah who suffered infertility) and chocolate. So if you haven't shared your story before, maybe you should consider doing so, as tough as it is, in order to help heal another woman.

5. Help her remember. My friend Shanda (mom of my godsons, friend since kinder) bought me a necklace off of Etsy that has a pendant with a scene from Where the Wild Things Are. She bought it in remembrance of Wild Thing, so that I could always carry him with me. This was so touching to me. You might be afraid of offering up something so personal in fear that it will cause the person more pain, but in this case, knowing that I had some physical and tangible token representing him made me feel more powerful in a situation that makes the mother feel very helpless and debilitated. Even to the point of me thinking, "I DO have something to show for my baby" as not being recognized as a mother was and is something that brings me suffering. There are alot of sites that offer miscarriage jewelry, but even something as small as a poem in a frame might help your friend.

Above all else, respect your friend's need for privacy. It was a very long time (weeks) before I could see or even talk to most people. I couldn't even tell people I had miscarried - if not for this blog or my friends/family passing on the news, I would have suffered in hiding. It goes back to not even knowing what I was feeling at the time and having such strong, raw emotions that I thought for sure that no one (again, except for my humble manservant) could handle their intensity. I couldn't handle their intensity most of the time. My advice is, ultimately, do not force your friend to talk to or see you. She will approach you when she feels safe and when she knows how or what to share about her experience.

Okay, now to go pop some pills.

Shut up, Mother's Day

This day is torture and I want to punch it in the face.

When I imagined this day at the beginning of my pregnancy, I expected to be 15 weeks along, just past the paranoia of the first trimester. I imagined a new dress, happily being pampered by my husband through flowers and gifts, enjoying church and then brunch with my family, dinner with the in-laws. I imagined myself relishing that I was indeed a mother FINALLY, with my baby and I separated only by the muscles and skin of my stomach.

The reality is much different. Instead, my baby and I are separated by worlds and time and will never be united in life. The thought of the celebration I naively planned in my mind sends me into despair. The mental image of the traditional Mother's Day sermon, of attending a brunch filled with happy mothers with their babies and baby bumps and adoring husband fills me with both sadness and rage all at the same time.

I fluctuate between my brain telling me indignantly, "You ARE a mother - just your baby is in heaven." When I feel this way, I am devastated that though I know this, though my husband knows this, no one else around me knows this. It will not be acknowledged by a cheery "Happy Mother's Day" or a special free dessert at a restaurant because I have nothing to show, no proof that I dreamed of and loved and nurtured my child as all the other mothers who are wiping noses or offering sippy cups do.

The other half of the time, all I can think is, "You ARE NOT a mother." You don't have a baby inside of you, or in your arms, so you are not a mother. Part of the definition of mother is being able to protect and keep your children, and you were not able to do that, so OBVIOUSLY you are not a mother. Your body failed you, or you failed you by whatever choices you did or didn't make during the pregnancy, or God failed you... Either way, you don't have a bump or a baby, so you are not a mother. Mother's Day is for mothers, and you aren't one.

I feel bipolar and I think Jason is a bit scared and overwhelmed. He recognizes me as a mother - both for carrying Wild Thing, going through all I did through the miscarriage, and also for all that I do for Duke, Maddie, Alice and Hazel. I don't think he understands when I am in the, "I am not a mother" stage because he feels that HE is a FATHER and whether our baby is in Heaven or on earth, he still conceived and loved a child. I think he thinks that I am even more -effed up for not recognizing my motherhood.

I found this post from a blog when I first lost Wild Thing (oh, God, I miss him. I think I might die.) I don't remember what blog it was from, so if you know, please send me the link so I can give credit where credit is due. I remember thinking," I better save this for Mother's Day," even though at the time I couldn't comprehend what I would or would not be feeling. When I read it, it helps me, so I thought maybe it could help other women who happen upon this blog as well.

"I know it can be a hard day. Every marquee at every restaurant touts it. Sentimental commercials broadcast emotion. Your inbox swells with gift suggestions. The grocery store explodes with floral arrangements.

And here you are. Your baby isn’t here. You expected a swelling belly, or maybe even the bundle to be here. Or like me, maybe yours should have been scrawling crayoned rainbows on handmade cards by now.

But, you feel you have nothing.

Think of this way:
• Did you feel joy when you learned you were pregnant?
• Did you plan and hope and dream about the day your baby would arrive?
• Did you want nothing more than a happy, healthy little one?

How is this different than every other mother? Are mothers whose children die full grown any less mothers because their children are no longer here? Of course not.

You are a mother. You were the bearer of that baby’s future. You brought this baby into the world, however it happened, at four weeks gestation, or full term, in a gush of blood and pain just like every mother does.

Don’t believe for a moment that everything out there isn’t talking about you. It is. And even more so, because you have born a grief that could destroy a mother’s hope–the loss of her child–and you have survived.

It’s your day. Take it to remember your baby. And send up a quiet word of thanks to your own mother, wherever she may be."



So, now excuse me while I go cry in the shower (the best place to cry so that your neighbors don't hear your wailing and think your husband is beating on you).




UPDATE: The mother's day article I quoted can be found below. This is one of the sites that REALLY helped me but I couldn't remember how to find it again when I wrote my post that included helpful miscarriage links. This site is blessing - a mix of thorough practical information and emotional support. Thanks, Pam, for forwarding me the link!
http://pregnancyloss.info/2007/05/as-mothers-day-approaches/

Boo Boo

I am going to make this short, but I really need prayers for this little guy:





Who is feeling like this right now:





We need him to pull out of random, unexplained kidney failure so that he can resume doing this:

with my little troublemaker.

We love you, Bentley. Please get better soon...