Best daddy in the universe

It took Jason awhile to be ready to have kids. He always wanted them, but is the sort of guy that has to have his ducks in a row before making any life changing decisions. Before he proposed we had to be done with college, he had to have a good, secure job and had to own a home. I was ready for babies pretty much right after the wedding, but he wanted me to finish grad school so I could support myself should anything ever happen to him (waaaaaa). So when he was ready for babies I knew he was really, really ready.

I am glad that we waited, because he is absolutely obsessed with Noah and loves him so much. I am thankful that he is so helpful and hands-on with baby care because it makes my life so much easier. I am glad that my little man will have such a strong role model in his life to teach him how to be a kind, hard-working and loving man and devoted husband and father. The world needs more of those, right?

Best moment of a dad's life :)

Teaching Uncle Jerod how to burp.

Nap time.

Story time.

Two buds hanging out.

Daddy can't get enough of babies! He loves little cousin Isaiah!

P.S. Why am I blogging so much, you might ask? WHERE oh WHERE do I find the time? Well Noah has turned into a little screamer each and every night, so each and every morning I have no energy left for anything else but sitting on the internet while my little prince sleeps peacefully away on my chest. Good for my blog, bad for my house! Love my precious baby, though!

We gon find you

McSexy and I love to laugh together. If these walls could talk, they would probably be too embarrassed to repeat the weirdness that goes on in this house. We laughed and laughed and laughed when we found these videos. We even made up our own dances and lyrics (some including Alice) to go along with the music. Maybe someday I'll post them :)

Watch the first one first, second one second (in case you didn't catch that by the way I placed them in the blog). But you have to watch them both :)

Mini-Vacays Part 1 and How Pregnancy Changes Marriage

I've decided to break this post into 2 or more because I don't want to freak you guys out by how busy and awesome I am.

Our first big trip of the year was Memorial Day weekend camping with our good friends the Clevelands. We camped in Prineville and while the weather was iffy, the spot was GORGEOUS. I forgot my camera so here are some I hijacked some of Facebook. I can't find the best one of all the girls, so I'll just post what I have.

I would like y'all to notice Amy in the blue to the far right. She is dancing. All by herself. 'Nough said about what went on that night! I love this girl! Always entertaining!

Our gorgeous spot! We had 8 dogs on this trip so it was the perfect trip for me!

Our next trip was to Cannon Beach with our friends Eric, Aja and Bentley. The weather was beautiful, the food was amazing and the company perfect. The dogs are best friends, so it really was a blast to watch them run and play with eachother. I love the beach!

Poor Madison can't be off leash because she is a bird hunter and deaf. So daddy walks her back and forth while the big dogs run free. Sadness.

Happy dirty boy.

Boo Boo is a tired boy!

This is me. And my boobs - Trouble and Troublemaker. They are OUT. OF. CONTROL. And I wasn't even pregnant here.

Eric found an enclosed beach where Maddie could run off leash. Isn't she beautiful?

I am so glad my son-bear has the mental capacity to discover this buoy and entertain himself for hours. Isn't he so bright and intelligent? Most little son-bears don't have that sort of intelligence but he is GIFTED.

Take note of the way he uses his agile paws to manipulate the buoy. Gifted.

This was a very coveted, VERY valuable stick the boys found.

Looking at this picture, I realize that it is a MIRACLE that I ever got married. I'm sorry, that stick was just TOO exciting. I couldn't contain it.

I love my stick!

Boo is looking at me like I am a freak. But whenever Maddie is off leash, Daddy and I have to take turns chasing her up and down the beach to make sure she doesn't get away!

And that takes us through June at least. Are you overwhelmed by how exciting and cool my life is? I know.

In other news, morning/afternoon/evening sickness has begun to kick in full force. McSexy has been down at OSU the past week finishing up HIS LAST PRE-MED CLASS! Thank you, Lord, that it is almost all over with and we can start applying. But I have been a single mom to the babies, super sick/tired, and working full time. My house is a disaster, I haven't showered LITERALLY in four days (will you still be my friends?), all I eat is Taco Bell, the dogs are wild from half the walks, and I had to leave the last day of summer school early so I wouldn't have to puke in the disgusting preschool bathroom.

So I get this call earlier today from ManSlave.

M.S.: Um, honey? When is Karen's wedding tomorrow?
Me: 5:30 but we have to be there at 4:45 (so I can manage the guest book and kung foo anyone who tries to break in without scrawling a thoughtful note to my sweet friend Karen. Karen picked me and my friend Becky because we are especially loud and obnoxious and will get.that.job.done!).
M.S.: Okay, well, can I go play basketball with Ryan in the morning around 10???

Silence.

Me: ARE YOU FREAKING JOKING ME?
M.S.: Oh, okay, yea, okay, that's what I thought, nevermind then.
Me: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FREAKING JOKING ME!
M.S.: Oh, okay, honey, I'm coming home right home right now, sorry, honey.... Well, maybe we can work out together tomorrow then.

Silence.

M.S.: Okay then, well, I'll see you soon, honey. And what do you think about a beautiful new dress?

Put a fork in him. He is so done. Welcome to pregnancy, babe.

ARRGGGH!

I thought the above was an appropriate title as we have been studying pirates in summer school/camp and that is common phrase pirates use. But pirates generally shout it to be intimidating, while I am using it in FRUSTRATION AND SADNESS.

Sometimes my kids say, "My heart hurts," and I can say, that is literally how I feel right now. After Wild Thing, the emotional pain was so much that I could literally swear that I my heart was going to stop working, I was going to stop breathing (though that was partly from the anxiety attacks), and that my body would never stop aching again. It did stop aching, for a while. I was blessed to have over two months off from teaching to recuperate - nap, read, work out, etc., and really take care of myself. I have been doing very well. I have been very happy lately with my little troublemakers, enjoying the sun, enjoying camping and other mini-vacations, etc.

Something about this week just really has really truly made me so sad. I feel like crying (and have) most every evening. Maybe it is that a good chunk of my friends are close to or have just had their babies. Maybe it is that I am seeing their joy, their anticipation (their bumps). And I must admit, I do think to myself, "THIS IS NOT FAIR, THAT SHOULD BE ME, WHY ME, I AM SO SICK OF THIS, GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD." Regularly. All the time. It makes me nauseous. It is not that I am not happy for my friends, I just hurt so bad for me (is that self-centered?). And in some cases I do think, "This really ISN'T fair" (particularly when some people got pregnant immediately and are slightly irritated it happened so fast. And particularly when they have no money/are deeply in debt, no insurance, an unstable relationship, see nothing wrong with sticking their kid in front of the boob tube constantly, aren't going to even try to breastfeed because "they want their body back"/"it's gross", unwilling to do any research on child development or best practices in child rearing, etc. And yes, I AM judging).

Maybe it was because my birthday was last week. I am 27. That does not sound old to most people. To me, it signifies another year without a baby. I always wanted to be a young mom (like 23/24 young) and we didn't start trying for various reasons until a year ago (not my choice, which devastates me more, but it takes two to make a baby, yeah?). That is another thing. We have been trying one year this month. McSexy had NO IDEA it would take this long, even though I feel like I warned him. When I think of myself as 27, this is NOT how I imagined my life at this point, and that is a sad thing for me. I am so blessed, and I recognize that, yet I am CRUSHED that I don't have a baby (or two) by this point. It just makes me sad.

And McSexy's 10 year high school reunion is this summer, and I know he wishes we had a baby or were at least pregnant for it. His age and time out of HS is hitting him, as well, and it is hard to watch him gaze at other babies or nursery items and know that I haven't been able to give him that. But part of me is angry at him, not gonna lie, for not listening to me when I said, over and over, "I have a feeling it is going to take us much longer than expected to get pregnant. I think we should try NOW." I am not so angry that I think about it much, or use it to throw darts at him, but it does flare up every once in awhile. Like today. Like this month.

I am trying to look at the positive, but this month, all I can think about is my baby and how far along in my pregnancy I would be (5 1/2 months), how big the baby would be, that we would know the sex, have the nursery done.

And since being pregnant, my body has been very, very weird. The weirdest thing is that I can't lose weight, no matter how hard I try. My acupuncturist had me do a diet/exercise log to see what was going on and I was coming in at 1,500 calories a day, plus an 1 to 1 1/2 hour of exercise every day, plus walking the dogs at least once a day for 30-40 minutes, plus running around with the itty bitty punks all day. She said I had the best diet of any of her clients EVER, yet - still not losing! So maybe its my thyroid and I am going to a naturopath to figure it out. The bottom line is that I am FAT and have the reunion and have no good excuse (pregnancy) for being fat, and Jason's ex-girly friends are going to be there and they have babies and I have nothing to show for my pregnancy but FATNESS.

ARRGGGH! It really makes me want to punch something, but I don't have time because the monstrosity-of-a-baby-shower is tomorrow and there is still much to do. I wish I hadn't had my birthday, I wish I didn't feel so alone, I wish my clothes fit better and my work in the gym was actually doing something, I wish I was pregnant, I wish a second pregnancy was looking more promising. I hate to write a downer post, because I am trying to be encouragement to others, but sometimes, I have to just get it all out.

And McNubblet's nipple is infected and she keeps biting it and screaming. Like I said, bad month.

Wonderful Wife

Don't think I am a biatch for posting this, kay?

I often plead to my girlfriends to please let me know when I start to let myself go. I see many older women scrounging around with crazy hair and no make-up, screaming at their husbands, and while I don't judge because I don't know their circumstances, it does offer a little reminder to put at least five minutes into the way I look and act.

That being said - I love a good pair of sweatpants just like the next woman and have been known to be a scruff muffin when times get busy (aka. grad school). But here are some tips/rules that I fall back on when I find hair in a pony tail one too many times:

1. Ask him what he likes. People often say, "Dress for yourself! Why should you care what he likes?!" Well, because I am not the one looking at me! Sometimes, this doesn't work. My husband, while relatively fashion conscious for a man, will constantly tell me, "You look great!" when I know my back fat is draping out over my bra. Despite me screaming, "MY BACK FAT IS DRAPING OVER MY BRA! DON'T LIE, ITS RIGHT THERE! GRAB IT! SEE IT? SEE IT? SEE IT?" I know Jason isn't lying, he is just a boy, and really guys are just appreciative to be around women. Period. Same reason husbands never notice when you have a huge chunk of green vegetable between your front teeth. They aren't looking that closely!

2. Dress like a whore. My friends are thinking, "Katie, you are full of it. Your favorite shoes are Crocs. Whores don't wear rubber Mary Janes." Okay. I am a relatively conservative dresser, but when I know my husband is coming home or we go out to dinner, I puff up my boobies, spray some perfume and flaunt what I got (in my Crocs). I also try to invest in relatively nice underware (mostly Christmas and birthday gifts and still comfortable) so that when those pants come off, he is not looking at a pair of granny panties, even if I am just changing. And my friends know about the notorious little shorts (holdovers from college) that I wore in the pre-married days to try to seduce my husband out of his virginity (oh I know, I am totally bad - I do regret it now. Sort of. And no, it didn't work). After you are married a while, it will take more effort to try to look sexy, but I think you should (as if anyone has ever cared about my opinion).

3. It takes just as long to put on a pair of jeans as it does to put on a pair of sweatpants. I remember this when I am tempted. But it is also important to be comfortable, so investing (when I say investing, I mean go to Marshalls) in a comfortable pair of nice jeans is important so you not only look cute, but also appear cute!

4. Smell good. And smell different. I am a very olfactory type of girl. Jason's cologne mixed with his special hubband smell seriously makes my usually high blood pressure drop and helps me relax and comforted. Same as my dogs' feet (weird, I know) but I love the smell of their little foot pads. Again, makes me very happy and calm. I think about this alot. When people get married, they start using the same laundry detergent and bath wash and shampoo. I think that that might somehow make them start to smell similar, and that in turn, cuts down on how alluring they smell to their mate. So I try to keep different body wash, shampoo, lotion, etc. from Jason so that we don't smell like each other.


5. Put on a bit of makeup. Even if it is just mascara, blush and lipgloss. Wearing makeup is one way that women are different then men and one way we can continue to be fascinating to our husbands. If your husband wanted to marry someone who didn't wear makeup, he would have married (or been in a long term, committed relationship with) a guy! As I write this, we had this conversation:

Jason: What is that stuff on your face?
Me (offended): My blush! I wear it to look like an effervescent angel!
Jason: Oh god.

6. Put on a smile. A happy wife means happy life, and if you are frowny for your husband on a regular basis, he will have a sad life. It's true. It is okay to be honest and true with your emotions (as I was during my little gardening temper tantrum yesterday) but if you are constantly complaining or nagging him, you won't be attractive to him.

7. Ask how you can best serve him. Ask him what is the one thing you can do to make his day easier. For Jase, the way to his heart is through his stomach. He loves coming home to a good dinner and doesn't even care what it is. So I try my best to meal plan and whip up easy, healthy dinners to feed my man. I am in no way saying that you should wait wait on your husband. They have two feet and two hands. We all know that Jason is my manservant and I hardly lift a finger. One thing I do do: make dinner.

8. Never berate him in public. Well, you really shouldn't berate him at home either, but when speaking about your hubby to others, always build him up and talk about his positive qualities. Marry the right guy who you are obsessed with (like me), and this shouldn't be a problem.

9. Build your brain. Be smart and have interesting things to talk about (and no, what is going on in the blogosphere is not interesting). Read novels, but also read things that challenge you as a professional that you can talk about with your husband. Watch documentaries. Follow politics. If you stay at home, volunteer somewhere. Share your passion and your smarts with your hubby. My husband says the first thing he fell in love with was my brain (are you sure it wasn't those shorts?) Use it, or lose it.

10. Be fun and humorous. Just. Like. Me.


All this coming from a girl who went to sleep with rat nest hair, zit cream on her face and in pajamas featuring camping dogs. I'm classy.

Tips from someone with her head cut off...

This term, McSexy has been taking two medical school pre-reqs in addition to his demanding job as an engineer. One is online (yea!), one is all day Saturday. He studies almost every day but Sunday.

IT HAS ALMOST KILLED US.

It has taken oh, about 8 weeks for us to figure out how to manage the amount of time he spends away from home or studying.

We were struggling there for a while because not only do we never see each other, we are also still waiting for my period so we can actually start Clomid and try to get pregnant. When my friends have said infertility is ISOLATING, they were not exaggerating. I never see my husband, and when I do, I feel like he can't relate to all the thoughts and worries and impatience running through my head. Because when it comes down to it, I am the one that has to feel every little bodily change in every cycle, track the days, take the tests. As my friend Laura said, his contribution to this whole pregnancy thing is EXTREMELY limited. Not a good recipe for a marriage, and let me tell you, we are two peas in a pod, so if we feel as if we are struggling, it has to be pretty bad.

I think we have fixed it. Here is what we have done to combat both lack of time together and our misunderstandings over fertility issues.

1. Bought an IKEA desk. I'm sorry, my heaven looks like IKEA. Before, we had my old computer desk that we bought years ago when I moved into my first apartment in college (my dad is crying right now because he has an unnatural attachment to that desk - "That is the desk Jason and I built together!!! You can't get rid of it!" Dad, it was $99 at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Not special. Let go). With that desk, Jason had NO room to lay out his books and models and labs, so he was always trekking to Portland State's library to study, as most of the libraries around here do not have right operation hours to suit his schedule. That was tough - because I would come home, see him for 10 minutes (if at all) and he would run off to study. Since I am an old lady and go to bed at 9, I would be asleep before he came home. The dogs and I watched ALOT of Hulu, and I felt my brain frying.

This desk is HUGE. It has plenty of room to spread out, which means he can study at home and is available when emergency strikes, like when Madison threw up for three days all over the carpet the week before we had a dinner party. I think I would have lost my mind had he not been there to help me clean up and corral the dogs, because I don't know about your babies, but it never is so clear that dogs are dogs and not humans than when they eat their throw up.

2. Plan activities. I work ALOT. Jason works and studies ALOT. We were getting in this rut where all we would do Saturday night would be to rent movies off of the Playstation because we wanted to be together but had no energy to do anything fun or productive. We are trying to change that by making actual commitments and forcing ourselves to get out there and socialize (hard for two introverts. I know, not introverts in personality, just time preferences!). We had that dinner party I mentioned with my Uncle Gary and his partner, my sister and brother-in-law, and my cousin and her husband. It was a success and showed us we could entertain. We have also joined a kickball league with this girl, and this girl and their husbands. I am also getting out and doing small things with my girlfriends more, which makes me feel like I actually have some semblance of a life. It also gives us something to talk about besides work and school. My work is entertaining... engineering, o-chem and physics - not so much.

3. Let each other know our schedules. Jason would come home from work and be irritated that I would be typing away on my laptop trying to plan units, or emailing parents, or working on my school blog. He wouldn't need to study that night, but didn't think to give me the heads up, and I would need to get work done. So he has been telling me which days he plans to study and which days he will take a break so I can plan my time accordingly. Sounds simple, right?

4. Note to husbands... Worse than not seeing each other much and having boring lives is that when we were together, I would feel that he did not understand the pain and frustration that comes with struggling to get pregnant. I felt that he wasn't invested in our fertility problems because of the way he responded when we would get a negative test, or one of my friend's announced a pregnancy. Being a logical, rational guy, his response was, "Well, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Not what I needed. I needed to know that he was feeling what I was feeling and that he was as hurt and confused as I was. I needed to know that we were in this together. This is difficult for a man to show, I realize, because ultimately, it is not his body. His baby, not his body. My friend Aja makes the point that women love their babies from the first minute they start TRYING to conceive them, and it takes alot longer for the experience to feel real for men.

Luckily, my husband is very sensitive and brilliant. What he has done is to start RESEARCHING fertility and infertility. He is making himself the expert on reproduction and also, adoption. He looked up Intel's support for adoptive parents ($5,000 per baby, woot, woot!) and also their paternity leave options. He is looking at baby clothes and pointing out nursery color combinations. THIS WAS THE SOLUTION.I now feel completely supported in this endeavor. I feel like he wants our baby, needs our baby, as much as I do. I feel less confused because I have someone who knows me and loves me helping me to explore our options. I know he feels like he is more apart of the process now, and we are back to being a team.



So with all this effort and trial and error, this is what we are back to...

HAPPY.

I think my mother in-law will lose it...

when she finds out that we are officially having trouble getting pregnant. I'll let Jason deliver that news.

We went to my doctor today. Based upon my cycles and the fact that I have had two months of taking ovulation predictor tests with no positive results, he is pretty convinced that I am not ovulating.

Well, that would explain why I am so not pregnant right now.

So this month, we are going to finish this cycle and then start Clomid next cycle. Clomid stimulates ovulation. If it is possible to ovulate, Clomid is supposed to make that happen.

I am not sure how I feel about all of this. One one hand, I am glad that we are at least moving forward with a solution. I am so sick of trying SO hard and not seeing results. On the other hand, I am not exactly thrilled with being thrown into the "not able to conceive naturally" club. I know many wonderful women who are a part of this club, but it is still frustrating. I did not want this to be hard, I was praying so for this NOT. TO. BE. THIS. HARD.

I also, admittedly, am harboring some frustration toward my husband. I am trying to ignore this frustration, but I can't help but feel some anger. Maybe not anger, but annoyance? Sadness? I am not sure what to call this. You see, I was ready to start trying for a baby the day we got married. Okay, maybe not the exact day, but I have wanted a baby with him for a loooong time. Actually the first time I set sight on those baby blueishgreens and olive skin I wanted to make a baby with him, but was somehow able to control myself until that ring was on my finger. (Wait a minute while I give myself a lollipop cheer. Okay.) He wanted to wait until I was done with grad school, had a teaching job, etc., etc. I had this feeling. I just knew it wouldn't happen quickly for us (call it mother's intuition honed from years of parenting troublesome and disaster prone dogs). He insisted he had super sperm and that my worrying was all in my head. So, maybe what I am is resentful. I feel that had we started earlier, we would have figured out my problem earlier, and we would be pregnant by now. I am praying for this feeling to go away and also hoping that airing it on this blog will release this pent up frustration because really, he is so not to blame.

I am to blame, actually. My ovaries are to blame. Damn them.

It is a New Year

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? I became a teacher!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? Finishing grad school to become a teacher! Mostly those darn work samples that I thought were almost going to kill me! Plus all the drama from grad school was emotionally taxing.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year? Loving teaching 1,000 times more than I ever thought possible.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle? Not being able to get pregnant as quickly or as easily as I thought I was going to. I thought by right now, the New Year, I would be several months along. Not so much happening.

5. Pick three words to describe 2009. Challenging, delightful, emotional.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). Stressful, challenging, tiring.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking). Challenging, rewarding, motivating.

8. What were the best books you read this year? Moral Classrooms, Moral Children and Creative Curriculum.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships? I would say those with my mentor teachers. They were so supportive and there is absolutely no way I would be the reflective and effective teacher I am today without their support and encouragement. I probably wouldn't have been a teacher PERIOD because grad school would have eaten me alive and burped me out!

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? I would say I am slower to anger and more able to see things from different perspectives. Also, as a teacher, I am constantly reflecting on my relationships and how I act towards others. It feels hypocritical to spend hours each day teaching children to be kind and empathetic, how to problem solve and compromise, how to evaluate decisions based on what is equitable and then not implement these things in my life as well.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? I am trying to become a kinder person. If I am throwing an unnecessary emotional fit with my husband, I am using tools to stop myself, walk away, and revisit the situation after calming down and considering his needs in a RATIONAL MANNER. Disclaimer: I am trying to do this, hardly accomplishing it!

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? Grad school reaffirmed that I can do all things with God's grace! I really didn't have the confidence in myself to think that I could make it through such a tough program, but with His peace and strength was able to. I really relied on and revisited often the idea of being yoked to Jesus - He helped me shoulder my burdens with a yoke custom made for me! Also, I am needing to rely on His peace and patience daily with this whole TTC drama. I am praying for stillness - when and IF God intends us to become pregnant we will, and not before. His plan is greater than mine!

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically? OUT! I am much heavier than this time last year, and that is depressing!

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? I have never been QUICK to judge others (I don't look at people's clothes or appearance and make face value judgments EVER) but I know that I can judge people after coming to know them for having different beliefs than I. I think I became just a smidgen better at withholding judgment this past year. If not that, I at least grew to see the value of reflecting on my already preconceived ideas and attempting to challenge them.

In addition, I developed close girlfriend relationships, something I haven't really been able to do for a long time. I am still cautious and slow moving, but I am thankful for my girlfriends who are accepting, not demanding, and push me out of my comfort zone (you know who you are!)

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home? Decorating! I got new cube shelving from IKEA and a new T.V. and it transformed my living room! We also re-tiled our master bath! I love home decorating. It is sort of a problem for me.

16. What was your most challenging area of home management? Meal planning and cooking on a regular basis. We ate out more this year than I can even count. Trying to break out of that habit and devote myself to frugal, clean meals.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? Facebook and Hulu. Gotta limit those this year!

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year? Teaching and spending time with my husband and dogs.

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year? That there is a time and purpose for all things!

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you. I have never been good at "creating" my own quotes, but I do love to borrow! Here is my quote for 2009:

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we may become."

Charles Du Bos

Reflection questions borrowed from Simple Mom.

If these walls could talk...

Conversation this morning.

McSexy: I finished my quiz yesterday night.
McDorky: Um... When?
McSexy: Yesterday night.
McDorky: You mean LAST night?

Pretty sure my husband talks like a Kinder.

The Story of Us

On this day, three years ago, I married my best friend, my soul mate. The one I tell all my secrets to, cuddle with, laugh with, and live to see each morning. Even though we have been together for six years and eight months (yes, I still keep track!) I still find him as amazing as I did as a lowly first year RA at Oregon State.

(Taken a week after we got together! I was 19! And much skinnier. We hadn't even kissed! I think I surprised him by kissing his cheek!)

I had the BIGGEST crush on Jason since that fall. I had met him the year before through one of his best friends (whom I was dating, shhh!) and thought he was hot then. He had olive skin, bright green eyes and was the best dancer I had EVER seen :) He was confident (maybe overly!), smart and kind. We became friends during RA training because our staffs were close and worked together.

I would call my mom to tell her about my crush. I wrote journal entry after journal entry about him, praying to PLEEEASE not like him, praying for contentedness, praying about whether he was the one, my future husband. I liked him so much, but didn't think he liked me in "that way" by any means. Jason Furgison could have any girl he wanted! Why would he want me? I was a total dork! I prayed that God would help me get over him, or somehow open that window for us to become more than just friends.

Thankfully, I had some very good buddies (Chelsea and Tony!) who knew my heart's desire and tried to make it abundantly clear to Jason that I had a thing for him. They asked him what he thought about me, and he said, "Katie? She is gorgeous!" My friend Tony hinted that he should ask me out to coffee and J (always dense) replied "Why?" I think my friend Chelsea was about to hit him over the head with a textbook (that is what we carried around back in the day). Finally he got the message. Later he would tell me that HE didn't think he had a chance with ME!

Our other good friends, Brandon and Tarek, were planning a group get-away to Sunriver the next weekend. Brandon and Tarek made a plan to MAKE SURE Jason was going, so that we could spend time together. To make a long story short, Jason took care of me the whole weekend (I was super sick, including car sick), we watched movies, talked all night and in general got to know each other on a much deeper level. I remember sitting next to him in the hot tub and his leg brushed mine. In my head I was screaming, "OMG, JasonFurgison's leg TOUCHED mine!" My girlfriends and I threw intense knowing looks at each other. It was love.

(By the way, we did always refer to him as JasonFurgison. Because we had another Jayson in our crowd, it was always, "JasonFurgison did this, JasonFurgison is so hot, JasonFurgison, JasonFurgison." One name. No fingerspace).

We had a rough couple of first months. Jason took an internship in Medford spring term and I missed him terribly. My last boyfriend had left my heart in bad shape and I don't think I was anywhere enough healed or completely over him. It was a bad situation. In all honesty, I probably should not have been in any sort of relationship until I worked out my issues, but God has His own timing and purposes, and I truly believe that He sent me Jason to help pull me out from a hole I just didn't have the strength to get out of on my own. I don't know if I ever would have healed had he not sent me such a patient, understanding, non-judgmental man, who is the best communicator and listener. Jason encouraged me, he loved me, he accepted me right where I was. More than anything, he prayed for me fervently and fiercely. He fought the battle for my heart, and he won.

Through the years, it is Jason who has always supported me and pushed me to discover who I am. He encouraged me to go back to school, to follow my dreams, to pursue higher education just for the education, for the learning and stimulation. He has held me through the deaths of dogs and family members, laughed with me at my family and my students, indulged my craziness, and protected me from anyone who hurt my heart. There is nothing about me that he does not know .... and he loves me anyway. He makes me a better person just by being around him. All that is wrong with me is right with him, and someday, I hope to be half of the person of character and integrity that he is.

Now, as my husband sits in the next room, dutifully studying o-chem after working all day to keep me fat and happy, I am excited for the rest of our lives together. Not excited for medical school necessarily, but happy that for once, I am going to be able to give him at least some of the support and encouragement that he has given me. For once, in these coming years, it will be my turn to push him, pray for him, help him achieve his dreams. I want to be the wife he deserves. I want to give him the children he desires and needs and should have the chance to raise. I want to make him proud that this is his life.

God, thank you for my husband. He is more, waaay more, than I have ever asked, prayed for or deserved.

Encouragement

It seems that recently, a fair amount of people have been negative about Jason's decision to leave engineering (a fairly lucrative and stable career) to pursue medicine. Our families are reasonably supportive, they just don't want us to leave Oregon. It is disheartening when neighbors and acquaintances respond with, "What!? WHY???" and it makes us question if we are making the right choice. Jason always responds to naysayers with these points:

1. He believes his gifts are elsewhere (as in, not in sitting at a desk and coding). He is a very compassionate, gregarious, soothing person, and he has a servant's heart. He wants to serve people and affect change in a more tangible, moment-by-moment way. He enjoys a fast paced environment where he can move around and be confronted with new situations and problems.
2. He needs the opportunity to establish deeper relationships. Engineering, at least software, is a pretty isolated job. He has meetings and does work within a group, but mostly he sits at his desk coding.
3. He (we) value education for education's sake. It is important to him to pursue even higher education, and he is not motivated or interested in getting a Masters or Ph.D in computer science. As a teacher, I know that should he pursue higher degrees in engineering, he probably would not be successful because of this lack of interest.
4. He is not happy in engineering and dreads the thought of it as his career for the next 30 years.

People still insist that he is crazy, though. When I think deeply about it, I get stressed as well, mostly because I am so afraid of being dirt poor for so long during med school and residency, having to move away from my support network of family and friends, and never seeing him or having him to support me in raising our children. Because we are starting later than some, and Jason can't quit work to go to school full time until he starts med school, the journey will be especially long for us.

It is funny (and amazing) how God redirects you and offers you peace in the midst of stress or adversity. Upon opening my computer, I found this post from the Lives of Doctor's Wives blog. It was exactly what I needed to recommit to this medical journey. I know Jason and I have a stronger-than-average marriage, have excellent communication, and are committed to meeting eachother's needs. The horror stories you hear of absent doctor husbands or of wives being left after the stress of training is said and done, those men are not my husband. They are men who choose from the beginning that family will always be second to career. They are men who are egocentric, selfish and proud - who are unwilling to serve their wives and love them more than they do themselves. It is not medicine that breaks up the marriage in that case, it is the marriage itself, doomed regardless of career choice.

Anyway, just thought I would share that blessing. A bit of encouragement when I needed it most :) I am thankful for blogging, for it has offered me a support network of women who are going through or have been through what I will be going through :)

Baby Name of the Day: Long time since I have posted an idea. Right now Jason and I like Chase. Not sure of the middle name but would like to do a family name from my side...

Hahahahaha

Found this funny tin at this antique store in downtown Hillsboro when we went to the farmers market yesterday. It was a great night, and topped off by this art that I HAVE.TO.HAVE! Explains perfectly how I feel sometimes, even though Jason is a great husband and helps out more than his share most of the time! Thought y'all would enjoy it!