Recap

My last week of teaching summer school is this coming week, and then I have two weeks off before starting up again full time mid-August (still should be pretty low key because the kids don't come back until after labor day). I cannot believe the summer has flown by so quickly. Even though I love my troublemakers, I don't think I'll volunteer for summer school again. Teachers need their vacations or they would go insane!

Since I am experiencing a healthy dose of morning sickness (or should I say evening sickness?), I thought this would be a good time to catch up on some belated blog postings.

I'll start with the monstrosity of a baby shower. This shower was for my dear friend Aja (mom of Bentley) and baby Bella. The colors were pink, white and brown with a Sister Bear theme (the Berenstain Bears were Aja's (and my!) favorite childhood books. It was huge shower (around 40 people) and we went ALL out! I was lucky enough to have Aja's friend Mandi (who just happens to be a wedding planner) as a co-host and we are both about equally anally retentive, so I am very happy with how it all turned out. Enjoy the pics!

The entry featuring a cocktail table, the candy table and the guest book. There were more cocktail tables outside.

The guest book table.

The candy table had a banner that featured "Too Much Junk Food" which is the title of a Berenstain Bear book. We had cupcakes, rice crispy treats, strawberry jello squares and all sorts of pink, white and brown candy. We also provided clear favor bags for guests to take treats home.

The chocolate fountain. Guest could dip marshmallows, oreos, pretzels and fruit into the chocolate. The kids were obsessed with this!

The snack table. Thank you, Costco, for having the best party food ever!

The drink table. We had raspberry lemonade (spiked with champagne for the non-preggies) and water. I took the labels off of all the water bottles and McSexy and I made new labels out of beautiful pink papers. I am so glad I have a man-slave.

My favorite decor piece (besides the candy table) was the custom straws. I printed little labels to go on each straw and they were so cute! We served the drinks in canning jars which were cheap, reusable and a little bit rustic. Please don't even ask about the last minute fiasco involving NO ONE selling pink straws (I heart you, Walgreens!)

The food table, chocolate fountain and drinks. Mandi's dad made a gorgeous backdrop for the drink table involving hanging canning jars filled with flowers and candles. It was beautiful!

The gifts! We secretly collected baby pictures of Aja and her hubby Eric and framed them above the fireplace. MY IDEA was to take their baby pictures, use that website that lets you find out what your progeny will look like, morph Aja and Eric's pictures and BLOW IT UP over the fireplace as the centerpiece to the whole shower. That was nixed by Mandi but I swear, it would have made the whole shower. At least for me.

Faithful secretary Becky recording the gifts. We had each guest bring a treasured children's book (in place of a card) to build baby Bella's collection.

Super fun game where you chug liquid through a baby bottle. May the best girl (Laurel!) win! (Might I also point out that all the participants were teachers! Teachers will do anything for fun!)

Pacific University ladies. Some are my grad school girlies, most are my ELC co-workers including THE-BEST-BOSS-IN-THE-WHOLE-WORLD Shelley. We put an insert in the invites asking everyone to wear pink and white so everyone would coordinate with the decor (did I mention anally retentive?) which looked BEAUTIFUL!

Mommy Aja and myself. Thank you, Aja, for being such a caring and devoted friend. You are going to make the best mother EVA and I love you so much!

The shower was a blast to put on (you can see all the pictures here)! I have done showers in the past, but they have been pretty basic, so on this one I wanted to go all out with detail and impact! I think we succeeded! Now that I have done one monstrosity, I think that the next ones will be easier to do as I know exactly which details make the party and which ones to leave out. Though McSexy has made me promise to not commit to hosting any showers for quite a while because I think it almost put him in the grave!

Next post, I'll talk about some of my mini-vacations this summer!

What is a fetal pole? Can we dance around it?

Such was the response of my dear friend Becky when she received this text message from me at around 10 this morning -

"yay! 126 bpm heartbeat! lots of growth, fetal pole!... VERY GOOD NEWS!"

So we received our answer. Nugget is growing (must have been all those extra tacos I've been stuffing myself with) and has a strong heartbeat. I gasped when the ultrasound tech immediately flipped the screen around and pointed to a small flicker on the monitor. IS THAT MY BABY? I was not expecting anything at all, but I am so thankful for seeing growth and a tiny heartbeat.

I am also thankful that my St. V ultrasound was a much better experience than in the past and not just because the results were positive. In the waiting room, I was starting to have a little panic attack, immediately around the corner came the sweetest therapy dog (Gladys) that I have ever seen (besides Woodykins of course). Her owner brought her over to me, and as I began to pet her, I IMMEDIATELY felt calm. Gladys seemed to intuitively know my turmoil and she literally put her paw on my shoulder and nuzzled into me neck. I was covered with a wave of PEACE and knew I could make it through. In addition, the ultrasound tech was a guy and he was 5 million trillion times better than any u/s tech this far (remember PHILLIPA? rrrrrr). He talked us through everything, said how good it looked and how excited he was for us! I loved him and am thankful that God knew I could not handle another sullen, annoying woman.

I sincerely think that the progesterone saved baby Nugget. They are dating me at 6 weeks 4 days. So on or around March 21st, we are expecting little

Noah Jackson

or

(tentatively) Delilah (Lilah) Kate

Thanks be to GOD (and thank you all for your fervent prayers!). Today is a good day!

My God is an AWESOME GOD

And no, my ultrasound wasn't today....

Tomorrow I will confront some of my deepest fears about my body, this pregnancy and the future of my little family.

I should be frantic and fearful, but I am not.

This Sunday in the ER, I didn't pray for a healthy baby (little Nugget), or that the bleeding would stop, or for high hormones to help this little one along (though all those things are much desired and hoped for). I simply prayed for a PEACE that surpassed all understanding, a stillness to remain intact through this storm, and a sense of comfort in knowing that there is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy go my way.

Isaiah 41:10 (my favorite verse from highschool) flooded back to me in the waiting room that day: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

My God is an awesome God because despite everything I know about how I should feel at this moment, all I feel is PEACE. Am I still frightened for what I might see on that screen tomorrow? Yes. But I know that either way my prayer will be answered. Either the answer will be, "Not this time. But REJOICE! Adoption is My plan for you." OR "Yes! REJOICE! Little Nugget is My plan for you."

After Wild Thing, we repeatedly discussed how maybe losing him was God's way of telling us that there was a different baby out there for us, somewhere else in the world, to become ours through the miracle of adoption. I feel so strongly called to adoption. I know that it isn't for everyone, but to me, there is no difference. I have never felt strongly that I am supposed to carry and bear children in the traditional sense, or that pregnancy is the only way that a child is to become part of our family. Jason wasn't there yet after Wild Thing. He felt that we should try again, and that if we lost another, he would then know that adoption is God's plan for us. FOR US, and every couple is different, continuing to try for a healthy pregnancy and pursuing more medical intervention is not what is best for my body or either of us emotionally.

We are at that crossroad. Tomorrow we will know. I am not sure the wave of emotions that will hit me tomorrow, but I am thankful that I will have more clarity about what we will face in the coming months. Ideally, we will see a strong heartbeat and alot of growth (I have been stuffing my face to help give Nugget lost of nutrition!). But if not, I know that Jason and I will not be alone in that ultrasound room. Jesus will be there, whispering "Be not afraid! I am covering you with a PEACE only I can provide. You have your answer."

I am defective

So I was hoping to share the news with y'all on Friday when I was scheduled for my first ultrasound, but unfortunately...

Anyway, I am 7 weeks along, had bleeding this morning, a lovely E.R. visit which included the most painful blood draw of my life, inconclusive ultrasound (again) and dropping progesterone levels. I am going on progesterone supplements ASAP but Dr. Farley does not seem optimistic. The dropping levels are a very bad sign.

We'll know more on Friday during my second ultrasound.

I feel worthless, helpless and infuriated. This cannot be happening. Again.

You need a good laugh?

So, recently I have been trying laugh therapy (as prescribed by myself) to help me feel less stressed (more on that later). Here is one site that literally made me laugh out loud and feel better about my days!

Thank goodness for goofballs, eh?

Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing

ARRGGGH!

I thought the above was an appropriate title as we have been studying pirates in summer school/camp and that is common phrase pirates use. But pirates generally shout it to be intimidating, while I am using it in FRUSTRATION AND SADNESS.

Sometimes my kids say, "My heart hurts," and I can say, that is literally how I feel right now. After Wild Thing, the emotional pain was so much that I could literally swear that I my heart was going to stop working, I was going to stop breathing (though that was partly from the anxiety attacks), and that my body would never stop aching again. It did stop aching, for a while. I was blessed to have over two months off from teaching to recuperate - nap, read, work out, etc., and really take care of myself. I have been doing very well. I have been very happy lately with my little troublemakers, enjoying the sun, enjoying camping and other mini-vacations, etc.

Something about this week just really has really truly made me so sad. I feel like crying (and have) most every evening. Maybe it is that a good chunk of my friends are close to or have just had their babies. Maybe it is that I am seeing their joy, their anticipation (their bumps). And I must admit, I do think to myself, "THIS IS NOT FAIR, THAT SHOULD BE ME, WHY ME, I AM SO SICK OF THIS, GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD." Regularly. All the time. It makes me nauseous. It is not that I am not happy for my friends, I just hurt so bad for me (is that self-centered?). And in some cases I do think, "This really ISN'T fair" (particularly when some people got pregnant immediately and are slightly irritated it happened so fast. And particularly when they have no money/are deeply in debt, no insurance, an unstable relationship, see nothing wrong with sticking their kid in front of the boob tube constantly, aren't going to even try to breastfeed because "they want their body back"/"it's gross", unwilling to do any research on child development or best practices in child rearing, etc. And yes, I AM judging).

Maybe it was because my birthday was last week. I am 27. That does not sound old to most people. To me, it signifies another year without a baby. I always wanted to be a young mom (like 23/24 young) and we didn't start trying for various reasons until a year ago (not my choice, which devastates me more, but it takes two to make a baby, yeah?). That is another thing. We have been trying one year this month. McSexy had NO IDEA it would take this long, even though I feel like I warned him. When I think of myself as 27, this is NOT how I imagined my life at this point, and that is a sad thing for me. I am so blessed, and I recognize that, yet I am CRUSHED that I don't have a baby (or two) by this point. It just makes me sad.

And McSexy's 10 year high school reunion is this summer, and I know he wishes we had a baby or were at least pregnant for it. His age and time out of HS is hitting him, as well, and it is hard to watch him gaze at other babies or nursery items and know that I haven't been able to give him that. But part of me is angry at him, not gonna lie, for not listening to me when I said, over and over, "I have a feeling it is going to take us much longer than expected to get pregnant. I think we should try NOW." I am not so angry that I think about it much, or use it to throw darts at him, but it does flare up every once in awhile. Like today. Like this month.

I am trying to look at the positive, but this month, all I can think about is my baby and how far along in my pregnancy I would be (5 1/2 months), how big the baby would be, that we would know the sex, have the nursery done.

And since being pregnant, my body has been very, very weird. The weirdest thing is that I can't lose weight, no matter how hard I try. My acupuncturist had me do a diet/exercise log to see what was going on and I was coming in at 1,500 calories a day, plus an 1 to 1 1/2 hour of exercise every day, plus walking the dogs at least once a day for 30-40 minutes, plus running around with the itty bitty punks all day. She said I had the best diet of any of her clients EVER, yet - still not losing! So maybe its my thyroid and I am going to a naturopath to figure it out. The bottom line is that I am FAT and have the reunion and have no good excuse (pregnancy) for being fat, and Jason's ex-girly friends are going to be there and they have babies and I have nothing to show for my pregnancy but FATNESS.

ARRGGGH! It really makes me want to punch something, but I don't have time because the monstrosity-of-a-baby-shower is tomorrow and there is still much to do. I wish I hadn't had my birthday, I wish I didn't feel so alone, I wish my clothes fit better and my work in the gym was actually doing something, I wish I was pregnant, I wish a second pregnancy was looking more promising. I hate to write a downer post, because I am trying to be encouragement to others, but sometimes, I have to just get it all out.

And McNubblet's nipple is infected and she keeps biting it and screaming. Like I said, bad month.