Update

Just wanted to give a quick update for those of you that are worrying.

First of all, thank you so much for your prayers and support. This has been the toughest thing we have ever been through, but we are reminded through our suffering of God's grace and the peace that only He can give. He has sustained us and helped Jason and I find strength to keep moving through the pain.

We have basically been holed up in our house. Talking to anyone or going anywhere is not something I can do right now, so I apologize if messages or texts haven't been returned. We are just trying to distract ourselves, feel the grief when we need to, and find a way to redefine our future. Today I was able to take the dogs for a walk, and the sunshine and fresh air was healing. I have a massage tonight, and I am going to try to get to the gym early to try to run it all away...

I have been having a lot of trouble breathing. When I am distracted by books or movies, I seem to do okay, but when I think about the baby, breathing becomes difficult. I thought I was just trying to calm myself down but my friend Amy suggested that it sounded like panic/anxiety attacks and the doctor agreed, so he is starting me on anxiety medicine that I pray will help me calm down and breathe better.

It is true that is only through suffering that we can experience real compassion. I am thankful for the texts and calls from my friends and family. I am thankful for my friend Amy, who made us her famous spaghetti (it was seriously the only good/real food I had eaten in two days), and gave us one less thing to worry about. I am thankful for walks with my friend Aja and her little puffy puppy Bentley, and thankful for my parents who sprang into action getting me massages and calling people for us. I am so thankful for my doggies - Duke immediately knew something was wrong and has not left my side for one minute. They are my first babies, and now my only babies, and I am glad that I have something to focus my energy on. Most of all, I am thankful for my husband, without whom I would have been crushed under the guilt and the loss.

We are not sure how to move forward from all this. Talking about the future or trying again is not just painful - it is something I cannot emotionally or physically do. Here comes the anxiety attack again. Breathe. We are waiting for my body to actually miscarry the baby and that is debilitating all in itself. Sorry for the randomness of this post but I am just trying to process at this point and let people know that we haven't dropped off the face of the earth.

Next post will be entitled: "Please Don't Say The Following Idiotic Things to Someone Whose Baby Has Just Died."

So, we lost him. That's all.

Much is happening.

So, I was going to wait to post this news until a month or so from now, but current events made me realize that I need to process what is happening and I need support from my friends that read this blog.

We are pregnant. We found out two weeks ago and are so happy and thrilled. We have only told our immediate families and a few of my girlfriends who would notice my weird symptoms. Yesterday I told my work because I was almost throwing up in my classroom and had to go home.

My last period was January 23rd, so we thought I was about 7 1/2 weeks along. My only symptoms have been huge and sore boobs, and this pulling in my abdomen (feels like cramps). I have had a bit of nausea but I have been able to combat it.

This morning, I woke up with spotting. There was a bit of bright red blood and some darker blood. I immediately woke up Jason FREAKING OUT.

I called my doctor and his nurse called me back. My doctor is very aggressive in dealing with issues and super duper cautious. He set up an ultrasound for me at St. Vincents because they were concerned about the baby. The hope was that we would see him (Noah Jackson - I am pretty sure he is a boy!) in the uterus and also see a heartbeat to make sure he was okay.

St. Vincent's was wonderful. They got me in right away (my mom and Jason were there with me). My ultrasound technician (Erica) was so kind and thorough. I had a regular ultrasound and a vaginal ultrasound. The baby (Wild Thing 'til we know the sex for sure) is in the uterus (yea!). The interesting thing is - he is about 5 1/2 weeks instead of the 7 1/2 weeks we thought. At that itty-bitty they may or may not see the heart on a typically developing fetus. But the ultrasound tech, the hospital doctor and my doctor (and me and my mom!) all thought we saw the heartbeat (a little whitish/grayish dot) beating along. Jason (as always) was a little bit more reserved and said he wasn't sure.

So my doctor says he thinks we are okay for now. I am on pelvic rest, which means no heavy lifting, ab work or sex (no desire for that anyway). Hopefully the spotting does not increase. If nothing gets worse (cramping, spotting) then I will get another ultrasound next Wednesday and then have a doctors appointment Thursday. Hopefully next week we will see and hear the heart for sure and my worry will be alleviated.

The blessing out of all this mess (besides being temporarily okay) was seeing my husband's face when he held the ultrasound picture. His eyes lit up and softened and he kissed the picture. He kept it with him to take it to his o-chem test. In his words, it was "awesome!"

I pray that this awesomeness continues and that Wild Thing stays safe and happy right where he is.

Tips from someone with her head cut off...

This term, McSexy has been taking two medical school pre-reqs in addition to his demanding job as an engineer. One is online (yea!), one is all day Saturday. He studies almost every day but Sunday.

IT HAS ALMOST KILLED US.

It has taken oh, about 8 weeks for us to figure out how to manage the amount of time he spends away from home or studying.

We were struggling there for a while because not only do we never see each other, we are also still waiting for my period so we can actually start Clomid and try to get pregnant. When my friends have said infertility is ISOLATING, they were not exaggerating. I never see my husband, and when I do, I feel like he can't relate to all the thoughts and worries and impatience running through my head. Because when it comes down to it, I am the one that has to feel every little bodily change in every cycle, track the days, take the tests. As my friend Laura said, his contribution to this whole pregnancy thing is EXTREMELY limited. Not a good recipe for a marriage, and let me tell you, we are two peas in a pod, so if we feel as if we are struggling, it has to be pretty bad.

I think we have fixed it. Here is what we have done to combat both lack of time together and our misunderstandings over fertility issues.

1. Bought an IKEA desk. I'm sorry, my heaven looks like IKEA. Before, we had my old computer desk that we bought years ago when I moved into my first apartment in college (my dad is crying right now because he has an unnatural attachment to that desk - "That is the desk Jason and I built together!!! You can't get rid of it!" Dad, it was $99 at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Not special. Let go). With that desk, Jason had NO room to lay out his books and models and labs, so he was always trekking to Portland State's library to study, as most of the libraries around here do not have right operation hours to suit his schedule. That was tough - because I would come home, see him for 10 minutes (if at all) and he would run off to study. Since I am an old lady and go to bed at 9, I would be asleep before he came home. The dogs and I watched ALOT of Hulu, and I felt my brain frying.

This desk is HUGE. It has plenty of room to spread out, which means he can study at home and is available when emergency strikes, like when Madison threw up for three days all over the carpet the week before we had a dinner party. I think I would have lost my mind had he not been there to help me clean up and corral the dogs, because I don't know about your babies, but it never is so clear that dogs are dogs and not humans than when they eat their throw up.

2. Plan activities. I work ALOT. Jason works and studies ALOT. We were getting in this rut where all we would do Saturday night would be to rent movies off of the Playstation because we wanted to be together but had no energy to do anything fun or productive. We are trying to change that by making actual commitments and forcing ourselves to get out there and socialize (hard for two introverts. I know, not introverts in personality, just time preferences!). We had that dinner party I mentioned with my Uncle Gary and his partner, my sister and brother-in-law, and my cousin and her husband. It was a success and showed us we could entertain. We have also joined a kickball league with this girl, and this girl and their husbands. I am also getting out and doing small things with my girlfriends more, which makes me feel like I actually have some semblance of a life. It also gives us something to talk about besides work and school. My work is entertaining... engineering, o-chem and physics - not so much.

3. Let each other know our schedules. Jason would come home from work and be irritated that I would be typing away on my laptop trying to plan units, or emailing parents, or working on my school blog. He wouldn't need to study that night, but didn't think to give me the heads up, and I would need to get work done. So he has been telling me which days he plans to study and which days he will take a break so I can plan my time accordingly. Sounds simple, right?

4. Note to husbands... Worse than not seeing each other much and having boring lives is that when we were together, I would feel that he did not understand the pain and frustration that comes with struggling to get pregnant. I felt that he wasn't invested in our fertility problems because of the way he responded when we would get a negative test, or one of my friend's announced a pregnancy. Being a logical, rational guy, his response was, "Well, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Not what I needed. I needed to know that he was feeling what I was feeling and that he was as hurt and confused as I was. I needed to know that we were in this together. This is difficult for a man to show, I realize, because ultimately, it is not his body. His baby, not his body. My friend Aja makes the point that women love their babies from the first minute they start TRYING to conceive them, and it takes alot longer for the experience to feel real for men.

Luckily, my husband is very sensitive and brilliant. What he has done is to start RESEARCHING fertility and infertility. He is making himself the expert on reproduction and also, adoption. He looked up Intel's support for adoptive parents ($5,000 per baby, woot, woot!) and also their paternity leave options. He is looking at baby clothes and pointing out nursery color combinations. THIS WAS THE SOLUTION.I now feel completely supported in this endeavor. I feel like he wants our baby, needs our baby, as much as I do. I feel less confused because I have someone who knows me and loves me helping me to explore our options. I know he feels like he is more apart of the process now, and we are back to being a team.



So with all this effort and trial and error, this is what we are back to...

HAPPY.