Talked off the ledge...

I have realized more fully in recent weeks that the saying about God never giving a person more than they can handle is probably NOT true, akkkktually. I do believe that much of what has happened this past year, or is happening now, was/is more than I personally can manage. My body is tired, my mind is struggling and anxious, I am in constant pain. Me, weak as I am, cannot handle the remainder of this bed rest or this pregnancy in my own strength. So this IS more than I alone can handle, too heavy a cross for me to bear.

What I do believe, however, is that God does not give His people more than HE can handle, and He can handle all this nonsense with His little pinky toe. And He showed this to me today when he heard my calling and my distress and sent me a little email through my college friend Devon (who also had a pregnancy-from-hell and a c-section) that helped to assuage my fears and strengthen in me a spirit of resolve. Through her, my burden was slightly lifted and I am feeling much better about bed rest and delivery. Thank you, Devon :)

So alone, I am nothing, but yoked to Jesus and supported by those who listen to and love Him (and a little pill called ambien), I can get through this :)

Still trucking along...

Even though I am on bed rest, I am not motivated to blog. Mostly because I don't really do or think of anything interesting anymore (or at least anything I am willing to share, which says a lot, because in the past I've blogged about so much of my thinking...) Mostly I switch between the television, the internet and reading. I'll take a nap, I'll play with Alice, take a bath or two, stare at the dogs, etc. The only update is that I am starting to get very, very anxious and paranoid about the c-section and cry about it most every night (poor McSexy) in addition to being highly irritable about everything. I've had abdominal surgery before with my appendectomy and it was not cool - certainly nothing I would CHOOSE to do. I can't imagine having to take care of Noah while trying to recover from surgery and I am afraid it is going to affect my breastfeeding and bonding. For someone who did so much research on vaginal birth (I mean book after book, video after video, website after website), it IS disappointing that I am not even going to be able to TRY to birth naturally, especially since it turns out that I handle contractions pretty well so far (from what the nurses have told me). This pregnancy has been so hard and debilitating that I just want it all to be over and to be recovered as soon as possible so that I can feel finally better and get back to my typical activities (obviously with the addition of a baby), including the gym, walking the dogs, going out with friends, cleaning, baking... but a c-section makes recovery so much longer. I just want it all to be over.

Well, that was interesting...

Well, we just got out of the hospital and I am so, so glad to be home with NO BABY! We had a rough couple days and night, but thanks to excellent care and a finally chilled-out uterus and baby, I am back with my puppies and McSexy.

At 9:30 yesterday morning, I went upstairs for my regular bath time and low and behold was bleeding! That was a bit of surprise, even though they have told us for months to expect it and I have tried to become mentally prepared. Yay. I called Jason freaking out, because we are sooo not ready for the hospital. I have been a slacker and have lists of what to pack, but nothing really together except for Noah's diaper bag, which is the VERY last bag we will need! He was leading a meeting but finally answered his phone and came home. I am so thankful that he works five minutes away from our house...

Anyway, we called our perinatologist and went to his office for an ultrasound and monitoring. We were there within 20 minutes. Noah looked great and is now 4 lbs, 9 oz (which is in the 68 percentile!). He was not as active as he has been, which didn't freak me out but I thought it was kind of interesting. He had a strong heartbeat, good fluid, all that.

So they put me on a contraction monitor and I was having them yet again. I felt mostly back labor, so it was hard for me to tell. I was uncomfortable, but that has sort of been the story of this pregnancy, especially having contractions off and on for a few weeks now.

To make a long story short, Dr. Watson transferred us to the hospital (which is across the street) with assurances that it would probably be only for a few hours. Okay, we can handle this, we were thinking. Bleeding had stopped and Dr. Watson assured us that even if they had to deliver, he would have 100% chance of survival and a 95% chance of not having any long-term complications. I really wasn't worried...

Hospital was a whole different story. We were still having contractions but naively thought they would end up resolving themselves and we could go home in a few hours. But all of a sudden, Noah's heartbeat dropped way below 100 (it had been 150-160 previously) and didn't resolve itself. Before I even knew what was happening I had four nurses and two doctors in my room freaking out, moving the monitor, grabbing the printouts, shoving an IV in (worst IV ever in the top of my right wrist - took three nurses), rolling me around and telling me that if his heart rate didn't come back up in a minute or two we would need to have an emergency c-section immediately. Ooookay. Let me tell you, I have never been as scared in MY LIFE as when I watched my baby's heart rate plummet and was instantly surrounded by medical personnel. The only thing I was thinking was, "GET HIM OUT. GET HIM OUT RIGHT NOW EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DELIVER HIM RIGHT HERE." So panicked. There was nothing Jason and I could do but watch and hope.

Finally his heart rate went above 100 again, praise the LORD, and kept dipping but would come back up again. So needless to say, we were admitted and were there all freaking night and today until 5:00 p.m. His heart rate had a few more issues and I continued to have contractions, but no more bleeding and during the night his heart rate went back up to normal and stayed there. He also "woke up" and became more active at around 8:00 in the evening. My contractions stopped this afternoon. Happy momma. We also got two rounds of steroid shots to mature his lungs in case of delivery in the next few weeks.

With all the panic and kind of traumatic experiences that went along with the past hours we also had some positive outcomes of our little adventure.

1. We loved the nurses at our hospital. They were wonderful, reassuring, calm and we just adored them. I am so glad we are delivering at St. V's. Especially my day nurse, Peggy. I absolutely love her and we totally hit it off. I am praying she is our nurse when Noah is born! God bless nurses, seriously. They are amazing.

2. We met a few more doctors who were part of Dr. Watson's perinatal practice and really liked all of them. If Noah reaches his scheduled c-section date we will have Dr. Watson deliver him, but if it turns out to be an emergency delivery, we are very comfortable with any of the doctors we have met so far. I swear that this practice must have had "super super nice around paranoid pregnant women" as a requirement for joining.

3. We were kind of able to practice our delivery game plan and find out holes and flaws BEFORE it is actual go time and we are stuck in the hospital for ages. My friend Aja and her husband watched the dogs, as planned, but I realized that I need to make more detailed lists for them (mostly about Duke's medications he is on), and list out where exactly to find their beds, leashes etc. It worked out because Jason ran home to get some stuff for us for the night and was able to drop them off with their gear. We are lucky to have such good friends who will watch our precious babies within a moment's notice!

4. As mentioned before, I got a swift kick in the rear as to what I still need to buy/prepare for the hospital stay. I am on much stricter restrictions now (complete bed rest with showers but no longer allowed to putter around the house or go on walks or anything), so I am not sure how it is going to get done, but at least I know of some much needed toiletries/clothes/accessories that I had totally overlooked but would make a hospital stay much more pleasant. So my goal is to get my toiletry bag ready and packed in the next few days so I am ready, and whatever I can of my clothes bag, because obviously we could be back in the hospital at any time. I also need to update my little lists for Jason.

5. We also became aware that there were some birth plan holes that we need to get moving on. We are slowly realizing that we have little to no control over how things play out, but we were asked a bunch of questions about our preferences that we haven't yet solidified (SHOCKING, I know). Like about circumcision. We have done research but still can't decide. What do you guys think/how did you decide?

6. We were reminded again how blessed we are that Jason works for a company that is so flexible and understanding. He has amazing co-workers that stepped up instantly (as they have done in the past as well) and spent the whole day emailing him, not about work, but about me and the baby. I can't believe how we both ended up working for companies/schools that really practice what they preach about families and supporting their employees. He is able to take off work with me tomorrow and Friday (so he'll end up being gone the whole week pretty much), which doesn't affect his paternity leave in any way. So, support Intel and buy their products!

7. Amazing insurance. I cannot imagine having to worry about how to pay for all that monitoring and tests and such ON TOP of worrying about Noah. This type of pregnancy would absolutely SINK a family without insurance. I just feel so awful for those without means to pay for proper medical care, but I am so thankful that we do.

So now we are back to waiting, which is fine by me. We are praying that nothing more threatening happens in the next few weeks and Noah can grow a bit longer. I am somewhat comforted in knowing that we have the lung steroids now, which should help immensely. Praying that he stays in there as long as possible. I'll keep y'all updated!

I am never going to make it.

I am so freaking bored. Thank God I have good friends and family that are bringing me food, treats, books and even loaning me a Kindle (thanks Ashley!) They are also attempting to spend time with me, which I am sure is hard because I have nothing interesting to say most of the time.

It is funny what the mind does when you are left alone for long stretches with not much mental stimulation and nothing physically active to keep you busy. I used to be really into working out (2 hours a day in college - oh, those were the days) and also got into triathlons a little bit later, but then with grad school and teaching, I had to cut back my workouts to only a few times a week. I am DYING to get back on the treadmill and lift weights. DYING. Even swimming or riding the recumbent bike would work for me. I am so thankful that I can walk alongside Jason and the pups for 10 minutes a day. My job is also very stimulating and busy - I would come home with work most nights and keeping up with and meeting the learning needs of 20 five-year-olds is a huge mental challenge, which I loved. Plus my kids are super funny and entertaining, so my world is so much more interesting when I am at work. I am begging my friends to bring me grading, which is totally psycho, but I seriously would pay to look at cute little handwriting and read their cute little stories.

My saving grace is McSexy. Without him, I would die. I know I must be terribly boring and a pain to wait on, but he never complains, and sits around with me all evening, even though I know he wants to go to the gym or get out and about. I count down the hours until he gets home, partly to hear him talk about Noah and how excited he is (okay, and maybe to hear about how pretty I am and to get the sweets he brings me). He says that all he is going to do when the baby gets here is hold him and change his diapers and play with him. He can't wait. I try to keep that image in my head, of him with the baby, of us with the baby, to get through the days, because I am having a hard time imagining or getting excited about Noah actually arriving (which is so horrible to say, I am going to Hell, ugh). I am not sure why. I want him here so bad, but I also feel like I should be more bonded to him than I am. I guess partly that I STILL don't want to bond, or am afraid to bond, until I actually have him in my arms and we are both intact and whole. I still think that this can't really be happening to me, that my body will still fail me completely, and something will happen to him, especially since the pregnancy has been so physically rough. Is this normal or just a constant side effect of my baby I lost? I dunno. I don't doubt that I will be completely obsessed with him once he is here (um, have you seen me with my DOGS???) but I feel like I should be more obsessed with him NOW. I am not scared of being a parent or that I won't know what to do or be incompetent (3 1/2 years of infant caregiving and nannying removed that feeling I think completely) so I am not quite sure what it is. I think just not trusting that he will be healthy and maybe partly that even when this is SUPPOSED to be over, it won't be over, at least pain wise, because of the c-section and all that.

I am not complaining, just processing. Okay, maybe complaining a bit. And counting down the minutes (4 more weeks give or take). Oh, Lawdy.

Bedrest, you suck

I hate bed rest. There was a time (like every June at the end of the school year) where I, like many others, would say, "Sweet! A few months off of work! WHO could complain about THAT?" So it might seem crazy to some that this period of forced down time is being met with dread and despair. The problem is that, #1, unlike a regular vacation, I can't spend my time running errands, getting ready for Noah, or indulging in pedicures and coffee dates with friends (i.e. doing anything worthwhile or fun); #2, All of my friends are now back to work from the holidays and my Man Slave will be back to work tomorrow so I have no one to visit me or love me; #3, I am in near constant pain from my uterus, back, ribs, heartburn, etc. There is never a time where I am comfortable, except when I am walking around my neighborhood during one of my allotted 10 minute walks a day or sleeping; and #4, I love my job, miss my job, and worry about my kids and how they are doing without me.

And though I know this is just a blip of time, I am dying and time is creeping by sooo slowly. I feel worthless, sluggish, achey and pissed. I want this baby freaking OUT of me.

I thought y'all would enjoy hearing my bedrest schedule since it is so interesting. This is a TYPICAL day, changing, you know, based upon what is on T.V. or what goodies my friends have brought me the previous day.

7:30 ish: Wake up. Lie in bed while Jason feeds the dogs.
7:35: Wait and listen for Maddie to run upstairs for cuddle time. She usually likes to frantically let me know that she just had her delicious breakfast by rubbing her face all over me, so I spend a good ten minutes kissing her. We talk about our plans for the day.
7:45: Kiss and talk to Duke.
8:00: Get up and open my window. This helps give the day some structure and lets my body know that it is time to get up so that I don't feel like I am in solitary confinement.
8:00: Eat breakfast. Make sure not to lie down for AT LEAST 20 minutes after breakfast to prevent heartburn.
8:10: Think about cheesecake.
8:15: Think about how I am going to get myself said cheesecake.
8:20: Notify Man Slave of desire for cheesecake. Make a mental note of when he says he'll be able to bring me cheesecake.
8:25: Check DVR. Check email. Check Facebook. Maybe watch the Today show, Housewives of Orange County, Toddlers in Tiaras, Sarah Palin's Alaska or some other mind-numbing series.
9:00 ish: Wake Alice up and kiss her her squishy face. Take a bath and let her run around. Read in tub.
9:10: Rescue Alice from the tub (she falls in once a day). Good thing I am a lifeguard. Towel her off and scold her.
9:15: Stare as Jason runs in, swirls his fingers in the tub to check the temperature and then runs out. I am not trying to boil my baby, Sweets.
10:00: Get out of tub and give Alice a yogurt yummy.
10:05: Oil up my body so I don't get stretch marks and then put on one of my various maternity sweatsuits. This is my NEW one from Pea in the Pod that I got yesterday to wear to my doctor appointment Tuesday. Jealous much?


10:10-12:00: Read, watch Neflix, Hulu or the television. Make sure to adjust my maternity pillow and switch positions every ten minutes or so so my ribs don't fall out of place.
12:00: Call Jason and check on the status of my cheesecake. Eat something else like pineapple.
12:10: Call my mom to double check on what food she is bringing me at her next visit. Tomorrow is sour cream chicken enchiladas. Yum.
12:15: Stare at one of the 27 areas of my house that needs organization or deep cleaning. Think about when/how I am going to be able to do the organization or deep cleaning. Go back and lay down.
12:20: Kiss Maddie and Duke. Talk about how our day is going so far and ask them if they like the baby. Duke does not like the baby because he takes up too much room in the bed. Maddie thinks he is okay for right now.
12:25: Check my email and Facebook. Read or watch T.V. I try to spend most of the day downstairs on the couch as opposed to in bed so I'll have less trouble falling asleep at night.
1:00: Do a kick count and take a nap.
2:00: Watch T.V or read.
4:00: Check on the status of my cheesecake.
5:30: Eat the dinner that Jason either makes or brings me.
6:00: Ask about my cheesecake. Eat my cheesecake. Talk about LOUDLY how HAPPY my cheesecake makes me. Do another kick count because Noah likes cheesecake, too.
7:00: Tell Jason the things that need to be done around the house.
7:10: Take another bath with Alice.
8:00: Get ready for bed and read.
9:00: Go to bed.

Now, doesn't that sound fascinating?!! Screw Sarah Palin, they should make a reality series about MEEEEEEE!