ARRGGGH!

I thought the above was an appropriate title as we have been studying pirates in summer school/camp and that is common phrase pirates use. But pirates generally shout it to be intimidating, while I am using it in FRUSTRATION AND SADNESS.

Sometimes my kids say, "My heart hurts," and I can say, that is literally how I feel right now. After Wild Thing, the emotional pain was so much that I could literally swear that I my heart was going to stop working, I was going to stop breathing (though that was partly from the anxiety attacks), and that my body would never stop aching again. It did stop aching, for a while. I was blessed to have over two months off from teaching to recuperate - nap, read, work out, etc., and really take care of myself. I have been doing very well. I have been very happy lately with my little troublemakers, enjoying the sun, enjoying camping and other mini-vacations, etc.

Something about this week just really has really truly made me so sad. I feel like crying (and have) most every evening. Maybe it is that a good chunk of my friends are close to or have just had their babies. Maybe it is that I am seeing their joy, their anticipation (their bumps). And I must admit, I do think to myself, "THIS IS NOT FAIR, THAT SHOULD BE ME, WHY ME, I AM SO SICK OF THIS, GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD." Regularly. All the time. It makes me nauseous. It is not that I am not happy for my friends, I just hurt so bad for me (is that self-centered?). And in some cases I do think, "This really ISN'T fair" (particularly when some people got pregnant immediately and are slightly irritated it happened so fast. And particularly when they have no money/are deeply in debt, no insurance, an unstable relationship, see nothing wrong with sticking their kid in front of the boob tube constantly, aren't going to even try to breastfeed because "they want their body back"/"it's gross", unwilling to do any research on child development or best practices in child rearing, etc. And yes, I AM judging).

Maybe it was because my birthday was last week. I am 27. That does not sound old to most people. To me, it signifies another year without a baby. I always wanted to be a young mom (like 23/24 young) and we didn't start trying for various reasons until a year ago (not my choice, which devastates me more, but it takes two to make a baby, yeah?). That is another thing. We have been trying one year this month. McSexy had NO IDEA it would take this long, even though I feel like I warned him. When I think of myself as 27, this is NOT how I imagined my life at this point, and that is a sad thing for me. I am so blessed, and I recognize that, yet I am CRUSHED that I don't have a baby (or two) by this point. It just makes me sad.

And McSexy's 10 year high school reunion is this summer, and I know he wishes we had a baby or were at least pregnant for it. His age and time out of HS is hitting him, as well, and it is hard to watch him gaze at other babies or nursery items and know that I haven't been able to give him that. But part of me is angry at him, not gonna lie, for not listening to me when I said, over and over, "I have a feeling it is going to take us much longer than expected to get pregnant. I think we should try NOW." I am not so angry that I think about it much, or use it to throw darts at him, but it does flare up every once in awhile. Like today. Like this month.

I am trying to look at the positive, but this month, all I can think about is my baby and how far along in my pregnancy I would be (5 1/2 months), how big the baby would be, that we would know the sex, have the nursery done.

And since being pregnant, my body has been very, very weird. The weirdest thing is that I can't lose weight, no matter how hard I try. My acupuncturist had me do a diet/exercise log to see what was going on and I was coming in at 1,500 calories a day, plus an 1 to 1 1/2 hour of exercise every day, plus walking the dogs at least once a day for 30-40 minutes, plus running around with the itty bitty punks all day. She said I had the best diet of any of her clients EVER, yet - still not losing! So maybe its my thyroid and I am going to a naturopath to figure it out. The bottom line is that I am FAT and have the reunion and have no good excuse (pregnancy) for being fat, and Jason's ex-girly friends are going to be there and they have babies and I have nothing to show for my pregnancy but FATNESS.

ARRGGGH! It really makes me want to punch something, but I don't have time because the monstrosity-of-a-baby-shower is tomorrow and there is still much to do. I wish I hadn't had my birthday, I wish I didn't feel so alone, I wish my clothes fit better and my work in the gym was actually doing something, I wish I was pregnant, I wish a second pregnancy was looking more promising. I hate to write a downer post, because I am trying to be encouragement to others, but sometimes, I have to just get it all out.

And McNubblet's nipple is infected and she keeps biting it and screaming. Like I said, bad month.