We went to my doctor today. Based upon my cycles and the fact that I have had two months of taking ovulation predictor tests with no positive results, he is pretty convinced that I am not ovulating.
Well, that would explain why I am so not pregnant right now.
So this month, we are going to finish this cycle and then start Clomid next cycle. Clomid stimulates ovulation. If it is possible to ovulate, Clomid is supposed to make that happen.
I am not sure how I feel about all of this. One one hand, I am glad that we are at least moving forward with a solution. I am so sick of trying SO hard and not seeing results. On the other hand, I am not exactly thrilled with being thrown into the "not able to conceive naturally" club. I know many wonderful women who are a part of this club, but it is still frustrating. I did not want this to be hard, I was praying so for this NOT. TO. BE. THIS. HARD.
I also, admittedly, am harboring some frustration toward my husband. I am trying to ignore this frustration, but I can't help but feel some anger. Maybe not anger, but annoyance? Sadness? I am not sure what to call this. You see, I was ready to start trying for a baby the day we got married. Okay, maybe not the exact day, but I have wanted a baby with him for a loooong time. Actually the first time I set sight on those baby blueishgreens and olive skin I wanted to make a baby with him, but was somehow able to control myself until that ring was on my finger. (Wait a minute while I give myself a lollipop cheer. Okay.) He wanted to wait until I was done with grad school, had a teaching job, etc., etc. I had this feeling. I just knew it wouldn't happen quickly for us (call it mother's intuition honed from years of parenting troublesome and disaster prone dogs). He insisted he had super sperm and that my worrying was all in my head. So, maybe what I am is resentful. I feel that had we started earlier, we would have figured out my problem earlier, and we would be pregnant by now. I am praying for this feeling to go away and also hoping that airing it on this blog will release this pent up frustration because really, he is so not to blame.
I am to blame, actually. My ovaries are to blame. Damn them.
UGH! I am so sorry. Coming from me it probably doesn't mean much...but I do want to say how sorry I am.
ReplyDeleteSuper suckage! On the bright side, at least you aren't alone - there are tons of women out there who started with a story like yours and now have beautiful families! Everyone has trials, this is yours! Embrace it (easier said than done, right?) and keep the faith!
Much love!
Hey Choach!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the thoughts and prayers. Coming from you it does mean a lot :) I am not resentful of or mad about you and your pregnancy - I truly AM happy for you and Keith! You two make wonderful parents and deserve many, many children! It is just it seems everyone is getting pregnant right now, except for us. Those people deserve to get pregnant, too! All of my pregnant friends do and will make fabulous mothers. It is just frustrating and I am trying to work through it. I didn't want it to be this hard, but who does? I am thankful and grateful that we still have options like Clomid and other interventions. I know that it will happen in God's timing and for His purpose. There is no way I can know His plan. I am just one of those gals that see so clearly God's timing AFTER the fact and have trouble with patience in the here and now. Prayers, please :) Not for a baby, but for patience and clarity and the ability to be still within His plan.
You are inspiring woman and I appreciate the honesty of your post - especially your feelings toward your husband - I bet there are many of us that have felt that way, about whatever issue, and I marvel at your courage to express it. You are a beautiful and deserving woman and God has a plan for you - good luck finding that patience because that is HARD work! Love you lots - and maybe clomid will bring you twins! :)
ReplyDeleteKatie...I had too much to say in a comment box, so I sent you a message on facebook. But know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI pray that you're doing well...and I hope that I didn't overstep my bounds. God bless!
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