Tips from someone with her head cut off...

This term, McSexy has been taking two medical school pre-reqs in addition to his demanding job as an engineer. One is online (yea!), one is all day Saturday. He studies almost every day but Sunday.

IT HAS ALMOST KILLED US.

It has taken oh, about 8 weeks for us to figure out how to manage the amount of time he spends away from home or studying.

We were struggling there for a while because not only do we never see each other, we are also still waiting for my period so we can actually start Clomid and try to get pregnant. When my friends have said infertility is ISOLATING, they were not exaggerating. I never see my husband, and when I do, I feel like he can't relate to all the thoughts and worries and impatience running through my head. Because when it comes down to it, I am the one that has to feel every little bodily change in every cycle, track the days, take the tests. As my friend Laura said, his contribution to this whole pregnancy thing is EXTREMELY limited. Not a good recipe for a marriage, and let me tell you, we are two peas in a pod, so if we feel as if we are struggling, it has to be pretty bad.

I think we have fixed it. Here is what we have done to combat both lack of time together and our misunderstandings over fertility issues.

1. Bought an IKEA desk. I'm sorry, my heaven looks like IKEA. Before, we had my old computer desk that we bought years ago when I moved into my first apartment in college (my dad is crying right now because he has an unnatural attachment to that desk - "That is the desk Jason and I built together!!! You can't get rid of it!" Dad, it was $99 at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Not special. Let go). With that desk, Jason had NO room to lay out his books and models and labs, so he was always trekking to Portland State's library to study, as most of the libraries around here do not have right operation hours to suit his schedule. That was tough - because I would come home, see him for 10 minutes (if at all) and he would run off to study. Since I am an old lady and go to bed at 9, I would be asleep before he came home. The dogs and I watched ALOT of Hulu, and I felt my brain frying.

This desk is HUGE. It has plenty of room to spread out, which means he can study at home and is available when emergency strikes, like when Madison threw up for three days all over the carpet the week before we had a dinner party. I think I would have lost my mind had he not been there to help me clean up and corral the dogs, because I don't know about your babies, but it never is so clear that dogs are dogs and not humans than when they eat their throw up.

2. Plan activities. I work ALOT. Jason works and studies ALOT. We were getting in this rut where all we would do Saturday night would be to rent movies off of the Playstation because we wanted to be together but had no energy to do anything fun or productive. We are trying to change that by making actual commitments and forcing ourselves to get out there and socialize (hard for two introverts. I know, not introverts in personality, just time preferences!). We had that dinner party I mentioned with my Uncle Gary and his partner, my sister and brother-in-law, and my cousin and her husband. It was a success and showed us we could entertain. We have also joined a kickball league with this girl, and this girl and their husbands. I am also getting out and doing small things with my girlfriends more, which makes me feel like I actually have some semblance of a life. It also gives us something to talk about besides work and school. My work is entertaining... engineering, o-chem and physics - not so much.

3. Let each other know our schedules. Jason would come home from work and be irritated that I would be typing away on my laptop trying to plan units, or emailing parents, or working on my school blog. He wouldn't need to study that night, but didn't think to give me the heads up, and I would need to get work done. So he has been telling me which days he plans to study and which days he will take a break so I can plan my time accordingly. Sounds simple, right?

4. Note to husbands... Worse than not seeing each other much and having boring lives is that when we were together, I would feel that he did not understand the pain and frustration that comes with struggling to get pregnant. I felt that he wasn't invested in our fertility problems because of the way he responded when we would get a negative test, or one of my friend's announced a pregnancy. Being a logical, rational guy, his response was, "Well, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Not what I needed. I needed to know that he was feeling what I was feeling and that he was as hurt and confused as I was. I needed to know that we were in this together. This is difficult for a man to show, I realize, because ultimately, it is not his body. His baby, not his body. My friend Aja makes the point that women love their babies from the first minute they start TRYING to conceive them, and it takes alot longer for the experience to feel real for men.

Luckily, my husband is very sensitive and brilliant. What he has done is to start RESEARCHING fertility and infertility. He is making himself the expert on reproduction and also, adoption. He looked up Intel's support for adoptive parents ($5,000 per baby, woot, woot!) and also their paternity leave options. He is looking at baby clothes and pointing out nursery color combinations. THIS WAS THE SOLUTION.I now feel completely supported in this endeavor. I feel like he wants our baby, needs our baby, as much as I do. I feel less confused because I have someone who knows me and loves me helping me to explore our options. I know he feels like he is more apart of the process now, and we are back to being a team.



So with all this effort and trial and error, this is what we are back to...

HAPPY.