Dear Brad Womack,

You bore me. And this is from a woman confined to a hospital bed for 24 hours a day. Aaaaannnnddd still? You bore me.

Every season The Bachelor provides me with pathetic excitement accompanied by incredulousness that anyone would ever apply to the show and a grateful heart for not ever having to go to such ridiculous lengths to meet my husband.

I am not sure what about helicopter rides, trips to Fiji and filming tv spots have to do with REAL LIFE marriage, but I am pretty sure they don't tell those woman much about what type of husband Brad Womack will be, nor give him too much authentic information about the ladies and how they'll handle wife-dom.

My nurse and I were talking last night. We have an idea for a NEEEW show to replace The Bachelor.

It is called BED REST! (say it very dramatically in your head, please). (Disclaimer: This is my intellectual property so nobody better be stealin' my fame and fortune. My sister is an intellectual property Nazi and I will have her sue you. So make a good choice).

BED REST takes place in a hospital converted to a t.v. set. None of the women are actually sick or pregnant obviously, but the producers would have them all line up and down the hall in isolated rooms and pretend they are on bed rest for pregnancy. They would get all the same treatment that a regular woman gets on bed rest and Brad Womack would play the harried husband trying to meet all their needs. Every once in a while, the woman or Brad would get a special card (to replace the "date" card) called a FATE card, which would detail a complication in the pregnancy. Like, "The nurses can't find a vein anywhere in your arm!!" or "You can no longer reach your legs to shave them" or "The baby has shoved himself completely under your rib cage and you are in severe pain!" and then Brad Womack and the ladies would have to deal with the result of the Fate card just like in real life.

Who would the Bachelor choose if he had to judge the women based upon their patience, resolve, and kindness in the midst of pain and uncertainty (as opposed to their willingness to repel down a building or make out with him)? Would the ladies continue the show once they saw how he reacted to the stress of balancing a job, home responsibilities and a cooped up wife? Or would they dump him when he refused to go get them a Kit Kat bar? Hmmmm.....

You would get voted off each week in a c-section ceremony. Brad would call up each woman and say, "You are NOT cut!" - meaning the pregnancy isn't over. To the ones he dumps, he would say, "YOU. ARE. CUT!" and they would have to shuffle home in their hospital gowns.

The show would end after a couple months once he had narrowed the women down to the LEAST psycho and then he could ask her to marry him (or leave her abandoned at the c-section ceremony or whatever).

Now THAT is how entertainment is done, Brad Womack. 'Course half of the drama would be lost since the women would be isolated from each other... So maybe I shouldn't be so worried about my intellectual property, after all.

And I already know how it is all going to end in the real Bachelor, anyhow. Brad is going to forgo all women (yet again) and marry his therapist. Mark my words.