Slight panic

So, remember how I was feeling super crappy? Starting yesterday, I really started feeling better. Very little nausea though last night my boobs still looked ginormous. Haven't checked this morning.

Boo for me.

I am panicking. With Wild Thing I had such a drastic loss of symptoms - I am worried that this is the case with Nugget, too, and indicates that he died in there.

Should I call the doctor? Jason has been back at OSU this whole week and won't be home until tonight so I am scared to go get an ultrasound by myself. But I am also scared to not get an ultrasound.

I keep trying to calm myself down - remember that God is in charge, there is little we can do that we haven't already done, and if he has flown to heaven, then what else is there? It took me longer than with Wild Thing, but after the ultrasound heartbeat I've really started to bond with Nugget. I love him. I would be devastated if he didn't make it. It seems like a cruel joke to give us the joy of a heartbeat and a much lower risk of miscarriage and then take it all away. I already have my nursery curtains and the whole nursery idea board. I have my Babys R Us and Wishpot registry.

I don't think I psychologically/emotionally make it another two weeks to see Dr. Farley and hear Nugget's heartbeat.

If I hadn't lost Wild Thing, then I don't think I would be freaking out like this. I feel damaged and like this pregnancy is almost tainted by my miscarriage. I can't even begin to allow myself to feel the pure joy that a first healthy pregnancy brings because I am afraid that it will be taken all away.

I know I am not supposed to live with a spirit of fear, and I have been fighting it, but I am really anxious right now.

What should I do?