My friend Laura sent me an email about what to expect during my miscarriage, and how she herself has made it through recurrent pregnancy loss. One thing she said helped her was listening to Christian music.
This has helped me hang onto whatever sort of communion I do have with Jesus right now (like I said, I am in the throws of a terrible tantrum). I must admit, some Christian songs absolutely
ENRAGEme (just as Duke is ENRAGED that his best friend Bentley is suddenly five times bigger than him at 8 months). But one song in particular does help me, so I have been listening to it a lot. It describes God's promise to "be with you always." It helps remind me that God never promised me a healthy pregnancy or a biological child or that I would never suffer loss, shame or defeat. Instead, what He has promised is to never abandon or forsake me, and to carry my burdens as long as we are yoked to one another. This song also reminds me that Jesus was the ultimate Healer. Sometimes when I listen to this song, I imagine Jesus' hands on my belly, healing me and setting the stage for new growth. Stupid, I know, but whatever gets me through...
This realization (Jesus as Healer, Jesus shouldering my burdens) does not necessarily quiet my fury or questions or accusations. Oh well.
Here is the song that has helped me. It is called Safe by Phil Wickham.
You're not "stupid" at all. I think that songs (both Christian and secular) can often be so vivid in what they describe. I have often envisioned the same thing--God holding me, God holding this growing baby, God holding my lost babies--with that song as well. I'm glad that it brings you comfort. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHere's how I figure it - God's our Father, actually the Father of all of our Spirits, and as His children, He can handle us. Your dad doesn't mind your tears, your anger, your rants or your frustrations. He wants to hear them and be there for you and support you - how much more comforting to know there is a perfect Heavenly Father who is holding you too. He can take your screaming, your anger, your every expression, because He created you and He knows you. So rant sister...yell...scream...cry...grieve because God can take it and He loves you just as much in your angry moments as in your lovely ones!
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate your honesty, and I am so so sorry you are having to go through this. I agree 100% with the above comments - God is big enough, faithful enough, patient enough for our anger and our big questions.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a blog post last year during my own (relatively miniscule) crisis of faith. I hope it encourages you...or at least lets you know it's OK to be angry.
http://5merryhunts.blogspot.com/2009/04/saturday-kind-of-week.html
Much love,
J