What is a fetal pole? Can we dance around it?

Such was the response of my dear friend Becky when she received this text message from me at around 10 this morning -

"yay! 126 bpm heartbeat! lots of growth, fetal pole!... VERY GOOD NEWS!"

So we received our answer. Nugget is growing (must have been all those extra tacos I've been stuffing myself with) and has a strong heartbeat. I gasped when the ultrasound tech immediately flipped the screen around and pointed to a small flicker on the monitor. IS THAT MY BABY? I was not expecting anything at all, but I am so thankful for seeing growth and a tiny heartbeat.

I am also thankful that my St. V ultrasound was a much better experience than in the past and not just because the results were positive. In the waiting room, I was starting to have a little panic attack, immediately around the corner came the sweetest therapy dog (Gladys) that I have ever seen (besides Woodykins of course). Her owner brought her over to me, and as I began to pet her, I IMMEDIATELY felt calm. Gladys seemed to intuitively know my turmoil and she literally put her paw on my shoulder and nuzzled into me neck. I was covered with a wave of PEACE and knew I could make it through. In addition, the ultrasound tech was a guy and he was 5 million trillion times better than any u/s tech this far (remember PHILLIPA? rrrrrr). He talked us through everything, said how good it looked and how excited he was for us! I loved him and am thankful that God knew I could not handle another sullen, annoying woman.

I sincerely think that the progesterone saved baby Nugget. They are dating me at 6 weeks 4 days. So on or around March 21st, we are expecting little

Noah Jackson

or

(tentatively) Delilah (Lilah) Kate

Thanks be to GOD (and thank you all for your fervent prayers!). Today is a good day!

My God is an AWESOME GOD

And no, my ultrasound wasn't today....

Tomorrow I will confront some of my deepest fears about my body, this pregnancy and the future of my little family.

I should be frantic and fearful, but I am not.

This Sunday in the ER, I didn't pray for a healthy baby (little Nugget), or that the bleeding would stop, or for high hormones to help this little one along (though all those things are much desired and hoped for). I simply prayed for a PEACE that surpassed all understanding, a stillness to remain intact through this storm, and a sense of comfort in knowing that there is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy go my way.

Isaiah 41:10 (my favorite verse from highschool) flooded back to me in the waiting room that day: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

My God is an awesome God because despite everything I know about how I should feel at this moment, all I feel is PEACE. Am I still frightened for what I might see on that screen tomorrow? Yes. But I know that either way my prayer will be answered. Either the answer will be, "Not this time. But REJOICE! Adoption is My plan for you." OR "Yes! REJOICE! Little Nugget is My plan for you."

After Wild Thing, we repeatedly discussed how maybe losing him was God's way of telling us that there was a different baby out there for us, somewhere else in the world, to become ours through the miracle of adoption. I feel so strongly called to adoption. I know that it isn't for everyone, but to me, there is no difference. I have never felt strongly that I am supposed to carry and bear children in the traditional sense, or that pregnancy is the only way that a child is to become part of our family. Jason wasn't there yet after Wild Thing. He felt that we should try again, and that if we lost another, he would then know that adoption is God's plan for us. FOR US, and every couple is different, continuing to try for a healthy pregnancy and pursuing more medical intervention is not what is best for my body or either of us emotionally.

We are at that crossroad. Tomorrow we will know. I am not sure the wave of emotions that will hit me tomorrow, but I am thankful that I will have more clarity about what we will face in the coming months. Ideally, we will see a strong heartbeat and alot of growth (I have been stuffing my face to help give Nugget lost of nutrition!). But if not, I know that Jason and I will not be alone in that ultrasound room. Jesus will be there, whispering "Be not afraid! I am covering you with a PEACE only I can provide. You have your answer."