Tomorrow I will confront some of my deepest fears about my body, this pregnancy and the future of my little family.
I should be frantic and fearful, but I am not.
This Sunday in the ER, I didn't pray for a healthy baby (little Nugget), or that the bleeding would stop, or for high hormones to help this little one along (though all those things are much desired and hoped for). I simply prayed for a PEACE that surpassed all understanding, a stillness to remain intact through this storm, and a sense of comfort in knowing that there is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy go my way.
Isaiah 41:10 (my favorite verse from highschool) flooded back to me in the waiting room that day: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
My God is an awesome God because despite everything I know about how I should feel at this moment, all I feel is PEACE. Am I still frightened for what I might see on that screen tomorrow? Yes. But I know that either way my prayer will be answered. Either the answer will be, "Not this time. But REJOICE! Adoption is My plan for you." OR "Yes! REJOICE! Little Nugget is My plan for you."
After Wild Thing, we repeatedly discussed how maybe losing him was God's way of telling us that there was a different baby out there for us, somewhere else in the world, to become ours through the miracle of adoption. I feel so strongly called to adoption. I know that it isn't for everyone, but to me, there is no difference. I have never felt strongly that I am supposed to carry and bear children in the traditional sense, or that pregnancy is the only way that a child is to become part of our family. Jason wasn't there yet after Wild Thing. He felt that we should try again, and that if we lost another, he would then know that adoption is God's plan for us. FOR US, and every couple is different, continuing to try for a healthy pregnancy and pursuing more medical intervention is not what is best for my body or either of us emotionally.
We are at that crossroad. Tomorrow we will know. I am not sure the wave of emotions that will hit me tomorrow, but I am thankful that I will have more clarity about what we will face in the coming months. Ideally, we will see a strong heartbeat and alot of growth (I have been stuffing my face to help give Nugget lost of nutrition!). But if not, I know that Jason and I will not be alone in that ultrasound room. Jesus will be there, whispering "Be not afraid! I am covering you with a PEACE only I can provide. You have your answer."
