I have refrained from finishing and posting this, because I have been VERY, VERY BITTER. I wanted to make sure that this post would be coming from a place of education and reflection as opposed to being a way to bitch my brains out. But I also am realizing that I need to tell this story, my story, RIGHT NOW!!!, as a way to not only process what I am going through but also help those who have lost babies. I have been BLESSED (totally ironic and morbid, I know) by the stories of others who have been what I have been through. Who have gone through the process and ended up, when all is said and done, still mostly whole and able to live and breathe again. I hope that I am able to pay it forward by helping other grieving mommas find words and experiences that validate all they are going through.
So here goes. Sorry if it is a bit raw. Sorry if it offends. It needs to be said.
Disclaimer: I don't post the following list to be condemning of those who might have already uttered these no-nos to me or someone else who has suffered miscarriage or infant-related loss. Rather, I really am trying to educate and inform - just so that others might realize the possible mindset of a grieving mom (or dad) when they hear these things. It is very, very hard to understand this whole situation without going through it, so I don't judge and I am through being angry about it. People are doing the best they can with what they have.
That being said, never speak these things, ALRIGHTY?
1. "Oh, well, you weren't that far along." Pardon? From the second we knew I was pregnant, our baby was all that mattered to us. We loved him, we sang to him, we shopped for bedding and clothes and diapers for him. Our conversations, our diets, our schedule and our future all revolved around this baby. We knew for 3 1/2 weeks that we were pregnant, and it drastically altered us. We now have no baby, and everything we thought was our future no longer exists.
2. "Oh, well, you can try again." First of all, that we might eventually get pregnant again does not change that we lost THIS baby. THIS baby is dead. THIS baby will not be here in November, won't be here for his first Christmas, won't be here to lay with the dogs, take baths, be loved. It took us 9 months to get pregnant, and we have NO clue what we did to conceive him as we didn't even think we could get pregnant without Clomid. The idea of trying again is devastating, depressing and daunting. I miss my baby. That is all there is.
3. "You are young, you have plenty of time." Anyone saying this to me obviously does not know me very well. Just sayin. I have known I wanted children (and lots of them) since 4th grade. It was in 4th grade that I felt called to pursue adoption at some point, and I think it was even earlier that I would peruse Pottery Barn catalogs and Baby Gap for baby bedding and clothes, going to the extent of clipping pictures and filing them away in a box. In my childhood bedroom at my parents' is lists of baby names I have been keeping since ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Since I MET my husband (which would be, like, way over 7 years ago) I have dreamt of having children with him. I wanted to try to get pregnant starting our honeymoon, but Jason wanted me to finish grad school, teach a year, etc. So please, for the LOVE OF GOD, do NOT tell me that I have plenty of time. I have been waiting decades. Literally. It is this statement in particular that makes me want to tell people to STFU!
4. "Lots of women go through this. Lots of people have had miscarriages." BUT THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO ME!! Maybe selfish and egocentric, but I am telling you, as a little girl, you NEVER sit awake dreaming of all the trouble you are going to have getting and keeping a baby. Most of us spent our high school and college years doing all we could NOT to get pregnant, because we thought it would happen if a guy even flexed his biceps at us. I know that this has happened before to other women, but no one before has been seared by MY grief, lost MY little Wild Thing. And when you say this to me, I somehow feel like I am inadequate, unjustified in feeling so very sad - like because it happens to others, I should be tougher than I am being, that because others have survived it, I will too. I WILL survive it, but in the throws of the pain, you don't always WANT to survive it and knowing that it happens to others DOES. NOTHING.
5. "Your body does this to get rid of a defective child." Don't even know how to respond to this one (often quoted by doctors and nurses). No comment.
6. "This is God's plan." This gem was uttered even by my husband (who, I will freely admit, is more spiritual and Christ-centered than I BY FAR). Sorry, I am pissed at God. He knows it and loves me anyway, but we are not exactly on the best of terms right now. I'll maybe go more into this and what I feel about this later (or maybe not), but please don't say that it is God's plan for a baby to die before his mother even holds him. God is crying, too.
And don't even begin to call my baby TISSUE. Thanks, bye.
