First of all, thank you so much for your prayers and support. This has been the toughest thing we have ever been through, but we are reminded through our suffering of God's grace and the peace that only He can give. He has sustained us and helped Jason and I find strength to keep moving through the pain.
We have basically been holed up in our house. Talking to anyone or going anywhere is not something I can do right now, so I apologize if messages or texts haven't been returned. We are just trying to distract ourselves, feel the grief when we need to, and find a way to redefine our future. Today I was able to take the dogs for a walk, and the sunshine and fresh air was healing. I have a massage tonight, and I am going to try to get to the gym early to try to run it all away...
I have been having a lot of trouble breathing. When I am distracted by books or movies, I seem to do okay, but when I think about the baby, breathing becomes difficult. I thought I was just trying to calm myself down but my friend Amy suggested that it sounded like panic/anxiety attacks and the doctor agreed, so he is starting me on anxiety medicine that I pray will help me calm down and breathe better.
It is true that is only through suffering that we can experience real compassion. I am thankful for the texts and calls from my friends and family. I am thankful for my friend Amy, who made us her famous spaghetti (it was seriously the only good/real food I had eaten in two days), and gave us one less thing to worry about. I am thankful for walks with my friend Aja and her little puffy puppy Bentley, and thankful for my parents who sprang into action getting me massages and calling people for us. I am so thankful for my doggies - Duke immediately knew something was wrong and has not left my side for one minute. They are my first babies, and now my only babies, and I am glad that I have something to focus my energy on. Most of all, I am thankful for my husband, without whom I would have been crushed under the guilt and the loss.
We are not sure how to move forward from all this. Talking about the future or trying again is not just painful - it is something I cannot emotionally or physically do. Here comes the anxiety attack again. Breathe. We are waiting for my body to actually miscarry the baby and that is debilitating all in itself. Sorry for the randomness of this post but I am just trying to process at this point and let people know that we haven't dropped off the face of the earth.
Next post will be entitled: "Please Don't Say The Following Idiotic Things to Someone Whose Baby Has Just Died."
